Look upEveryday life

unbry

Look up

A short book about looking at your phone while someone is talking to you

25 chapters10,375 wordsAbout 47 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book about one small movement. Someone you love is talking to you, and your eyes go down to a screen, and come back up, and go down again.…2 min
1The lit face across the tableYour partner is telling you about a meeting. It's a story with a build-up. Somebody said something, and somebody else reacted, and the point is coming.…2 min
2Why the glance seems harmlessNobody looks down at a phone while their child is talking because they've decided the child doesn't matter. The glance has reasons, and they're good ones…2 min
3"I can listen and look at the same time"This is the belief that holds up the others, so it goes first. You can repeat what was just said, so you were listening, so the glance cost nothing.…2 min
4"It was only a second"The glance is quick. You'd swear it was a second. Possibly it was. The trouble is who's timing it. You're timing from the moment you decided to look to…2 min
5"They didn't notice"You looked down, they carried on talking, nothing was said. So they didn't notice, or didn't mind. They noticed. People who are talking to you watch your…1 min
6"It might be important"It might. The phone is where the school rings and where the hospital texts. A look at it is a look at whether you're needed. But think about what actually…2 min
7"They're only telling me about their day"The story is ordinary. A meeting, a queue, a thing the teacher said, what happened on the bus. Nothing in it requires your full attention, and you'd give…2 min
8"I'm still here, I'm just on my phone"You're in the room. You're on the sofa next to them. Being present, you'd say, is about being there, and you're there. There's a well-known piece of…2 min
9"Kids need to learn I'm not always available"This one is true, and it's worth separating from the habit it's defending. Children do need to learn that adults have their own lives, that a parent on a…2 min
10"They do it too"Your partner glances. Your friend checks. Your teenager barely looks up. So there's a shared norm at the table, and you're keeping to it, and it would be…2 min
11"It's how I switch off after work"The phone is the small thing that's yours. You've spent the day answering to people and the twenty minutes with your feet up and the feed is where you go…2 min
12"I need it for the thing we're talking about"Sometimes the phone is part of the conversation. They mention a place and you look it up. They ask what time the train is and you check. You're showing…1 min
13What the glance saysYou don't mean anything by it. Nobody does. But the glance is received as a message whether or not one was sent, and it's worth being clear about what the…1 min
14What it does to the storyChapter 5 said people notice. This chapter is about what they do next, because the cost of the glance isn't mostly in the conversation it lands in. It's…2 min
15What it costs youEverything so far has been about the person talking. This chapter is about you, because the glance isn't a gift to yourself at their expense. It's a loss…2 min
16The tugBefore the method, it helps to know the thing you're up against, because it's smaller than it feels. The tug is the pull towards the phone that arrives…2 min
17AwayHere's the method. It has two parts, and this is the first. When someone is talking to you, the phone is away, which means out of your hands and out of…2 min
18Look up and say soThe second part is for the times the phone is already in your hand when someone starts talking, and for the times you catch yourself mid-glance. The move…2 min
19What to do with your eyesOnce the phone is away and your face is back, there's a question people don't expect, which is what to do with it. The half-listen had a job for your…2 min
20The decisionHere's the rule, in one sentence. When someone is talking to me, the phone is out of my hands and out of my sight, and if I genuinely need it, I say so…2 min
21Babies, teenagers, the work phone, the partner who won't, and when it's more than a habitBabies. Feeding a baby is long and repetitive and the phone is a natural companion to it, and the baby can't tell you a story. But the still-face research…2 min
22When you looked down againYou'll glance. A fortnight in, a month in, a year in. Someone will be telling you something and the phone will light and your eyes will go, and you'll…2 min
23The face across the table, lit by nothingYour partner's telling you about a meeting. The phone's in the hall, where it went before you sat down, and it's lit up out there for all you know.…1 min
·NotesThese notes give the sources behind each chapter and say where the book leans on my own reasoning. Nothing in this book is medical advice. If phone use is…7 min