Weddings, hen dos, rounds, the school gate, work drinks and when it's more than a habit

The rule holds everywhere. A few tables need their own paragraph.

Weddings. The wedding itself is once, and the price of being there is worth paying if the person matters to you. What's not once is everything around it, the hen weekend, the present list, the outfit, the hotel the couple suggested. Ask the price of each of those separately. Go to the wedding. Decide about the rest.

Hen and stag weekends. These have become the most expensive routine event in many people's year, and the organiser is usually the most anxious person in the chat. Ask the all-in figure early and kindly. Offer the counter-offer, the day rather than the weekend, if the price isn't yours. If the group won't move, the quiet no and a lovely present. The bride will not remember who came to Lisbon. She'll remember who came to the wedding.

Rounds. Buy yours, leave when you've had what you want. If a group's rounds are the kind where six pints is the minimum, the counter-offer is a different pub or a different night, and if that isn't taken, the group is the thing to look at rather than your wallet.

The school gate. Chapter 13 is the argument. Keep the rule about not leaving a child alone, and apply the question to everything else. The other parents are keeping up with you as much as you with them, and the first parent to host a party at home is usually thanked by the rest.

Work drinks and work lunches. These have a career flavour to them that makes the no feel risky. It mostly isn't. Come to the drinks, buy a round, leave at a reasonable hour, and skip the ninety-pound lunch by saying you've brought something today. Nobody's promotion has ever turned on a lunch. The people who think theirs did are confusing the lunch with the conversation, and the conversation is available at the desk.

Partners who keep up. If you live with someone who says yes to everything before the price arrives, the month's total is shared. The list in chapter 22 is the conversation to have, and it's a better one than "we spend too much", because it starts from what you both want and not from what you've done wrong. One person asking the price changes a household's pace the way it changes a table's.

Neighbours. The kitchen and the car are the slow version of the split, and the question is the same. Would you have wanted it if theirs weren't there? If yes, have it. If the honest answer is that yours was fine last month, then it's fine this month too.

When it's more than a habit. If the keeping up has become debt you can't service, if you're paying one card with another, or if the month's total has been coming out of money that was for essentials, then the question is still right but it isn't enough. StepChange, Citizens Advice and National Debtline are free, confidential and used to this, and the next book in this series is about living on credit. Please don't wait for the month's total to get smaller on its own.