Evenings, hormones, offers and the times it's out of control

When it's the evening, after everyone's in bed. This is the commonest time and the hardest, because the feeling is usually a mixture of tired, flat and finally free, and food is being asked to mark the end of the day. Two things help. Decide, at dinner, what the evening's own thing will be, so that the sofa isn't empty when you reach it. And go to bed when you're tired instead of eating past the tired point. Many evening visits are a body asking for sleep and being given crisps.

When you're premenstrual, or pregnant, or ill. Hunger changes, and the changes are real. If you're hungrier in the days before a period, eat more in those days. That's hunger, and the rule says eat. The ask is still available for the pull, but don't mistake a real change in appetite for a feeling that needs naming.

When you work at home. The kitchen is your office, and chapter 13's advice matters most here. Work with your back to the fridge, take breaks that go outside, and eat lunch at a set time away from the screen, so that the afternoon has a proper meal behind it.

When someone offers. A colleague brings cake, a host presses seconds. If you're hungry, or it's a proper occasion, say yes and enjoy it. If you're not, "No thanks, I'm fine" is a complete sentence and needs no reason. What you're avoiding is eating to please someone, which is the pull in company.

When you're the one who brings the biscuits. Some people feed others as a way of showing love, and feed themselves along the way. Keep the love and change the medium. A cup of tea made for someone does the same work.

When children are watching. They learn how feelings are handled by watching you. A parent who says "I'm cross about that email, I'm going to walk round the block" is teaching something. A parent who goes to the fridge is teaching something else. And when a child is upset, comfort them with company and not with a treat, so that the link you're undoing in yourself doesn't get built in them.

When you're sad most of the time. If the feeling that sends you to the kitchen is low mood, and it's there most of the day for two weeks or more, the visits aren't the problem. See a GP. The NHS describes the symptoms of depression and says to see a GP if you've had them for most of the day for more than two weeks.

When the eating feels out of control. If you regularly eat a large amount in a short time and can't stop, often alone and fast, and feel disgusted afterwards, that may be binge eating disorder, and the NHS advises seeing a GP as soon as you can. The main treatments are guided self-help and cognitive behavioural therapy, and most people recover with the right support. Beat's adult helpline is 0808 801 0677. The method in this book is for ordinary visits and isn't a substitute.

When the rules start to take over. If you notice that the ask has turned into a reason not to eat when you're hungry, or that you're delaying meals, or that food has become something you think about all day, stop, eat, and talk to someone. This book is on the side of eating. If it's being used against it, put it down.

When you slip. You'll have a Wednesday when the email arrives and you're at the fridge before the ask has a chance. Afterwards, write it down. "Wasn't hungry, ate, feeling was dread." That's all. The next visit is a separate decision, and dinner is at seven, unchanged.