Notes
These notes give the sources behind the claims in each chapter, and say where I'm giving my own interpretation. The book isn't medical, psychological or legal advice. If your relationship involves fear, control or violence, the services named in the preface and chapter 24 are the place to start, not this book. The examples throughout, the dishwasher on a Tuesday, the thing from March, the in-laws at Christmas, the phone at dinner, the Saturday plan, the baby monitor on the side, are invented to illustrate and aren't drawn from real people. All timings are my estimates.
Studies were checked on 26 September 2026 by reading their published abstracts. None was read in full, and none carried a retraction or correction notice at that date. Where a study is a survey at one point in time, it describes an association and can't show what causes what, and I've tried to say so each time. Several of the studies are of married or dating couples in the United States, and I've applied them to couples generally.
Chapter 1. No sources. The terms are the book's own.
Chapter 3. Papp, Cummings and Goeke-Morey, "For richer, for poorer: money as a topic of marital conflict in the home", Family Relations 58, 2009, pages 91 to 103. 100 married couples, diary reports of 748 conflicts. The extension from money rows to costumes generally, and the leak and the stain, are mine.
Chapter 4. Johnson and Roloff, "Serial arguing and relational quality: determinants and consequences of perceived resolvability", Communication Research 25, 1998, pages 327 to 343. A survey of people in dating relationships, sample size not given in the abstract. The claim that the sense of unresolvability rather than the row does the damage is my reading of a correlational finding, and the claim that trying for the final version makes it worse is my interpretation.
Chapter 5. Christensen, Atkins, Berns, Wheeler, Baucom and Simpson, "Traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy for significantly and chronically distressed married couples", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 72, 2004, pages 176 to 191. Christensen, Atkins, Baucom and Yi, "Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 78, 2010, pages 225 to 235. 134 couples. The description of the integrative therapy's emphasis on acceptance is from general knowledge of the approach and is stated as its designers' description. The claim that two different people produce a row is mine.
Chapter 6. Bradbury and Fincham, "Attributions in marriage: review and critique", Psychological Bulletin 107, 1990, pages 3 to 33. A review. The claim that the record is a file of readings is my extension. The earlier books referred to are You don't have to win this one and You can be wrong out loud.
Chapter 7. Papp and colleagues, as above. The earlier book referred to is Say it this week.
Chapter 8. Christensen and Heavey, "Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 59, 1990, pages 73 to 81. 31 couples. Johnson and Roloff 1998, as above. The claim that the push is half the row is mine. The earlier book referred to is They can't read your mind.
Chapter 9. Christensen and Heavey, and Johnson and Roloff 1998, as above. The extension from withdrawal after an episode to going quiet during one is mine. The earlier book referred to is Go to bed cross if you have to.
Chapter 10. Johnson and Roloff 1998, as above, for predictability. The rest is my interpretation.
Chapter 11. Sanford, "Perceived threat and perceived neglect: couples' underlying concerns during conflict", Psychological Assessment 22, 2010, pages 288 to 297. Two studies of 1,224 and 2,315 married people. The plain words blamed and left to it are mine, and the claim that the underneath is in the first sentence is mine.
Chapter 12. Sanford, as above. Sanford measured the two concerns in individuals, and the claim that the two partners in a recurring row usually carry one each is my interpretation and is said to be. The earlier book referred to is It wasn't about you.
Chapter 13. Finkel, Slotter, Luchies, Walton and Gross, "A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time", Psychological Science 24, 2013, pages 1595 to 1601. 120 couples. The description of the writing task is from the abstract and general knowledge of the paper. The claim that a name is reappraisal in a word is mine.
Chapter 14. Overall and McNulty, "What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?", Current Opinion in Psychology 13, 2017, pages 1 to 5. A review. The sorting of the one row into what can change and what can't is my suggestion.
Chapter 15. Doss, Rhoades, Stanley and Markman, "The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 96, 2009, pages 601 to 619. 218 couples. The claim that the row is portable is mine.
Chapter 16. Cummings, Goeke-Morey and Papp, "Children's responses to everyday marital conflict tactics in the home", Child Development 74, 2003, pages 1918 to 1929. 116 families. The application to the short version is mine. The earlier book referred to is Not in front of the children.
Chapter 17. Christensen and colleagues 2004 and 2010, as above. The NHS page on counselling, at nhs.uk, read on 26 September 2026. No claim is made about the effectiveness of any particular service.
Chapter 18. Johnson and Roloff 1998, as above. The costs are my observations.
Chapter 19. No research sources. The mechanism described is my interpretation, and the path across grass is mine.
Chapter 20. Sanford, as above. The method is my suggestion and hasn't been tested as a package.
Chapter 21. Johnson and Roloff, "Correlates of the perceived resolvability and relational consequences of serial arguing in dating relationships: argumentative features and the use of coping strategies", Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 17, 2000, pages 676 to 686. A survey of undergraduates. The earlier books referred to are They can't read your mind and You were waiting to talk.
Chapter 22. No research sources. The method is mine. The earlier books referred to are You don't have to win this one and Go to bed cross if you have to.
Chapter 23. Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119, for the when-then form. Lally, van Jaarsveld, Potts and Wardle, "How are habits formed: modelling habit formation in the real world", European Journal of Social Psychology 40, 2010, pages 998 to 1009. 96 volunteers, 82 with usable data. What I say to expect is my expectation.
Chapter 24. Cummings and colleagues, Papp and colleagues, Doss and colleagues, as above. McNulty, "Forgiveness in marriage: putting the benefits into context", Journal of Family Psychology 22, 2008, pages 171 to 175. 72 couples over two years. The NHS pages on domestic violence and abuse, on counselling, on talking therapies and on low mood, at nhs.uk, read on 26 September 2026. The helpline numbers are as the NHS page gave them on that date and should be checked against it. The earlier books referred to are Open the envelope and Put the card away.
Chapter 25. Lally and colleagues, as above. The extension from a missed day to a missed instance is mine.
Looked up and not used. John Gottman's writing on what he calls perpetual problems, and the figure often quoted from his books that most couples' conflicts are of that kind, wasn't found in a peer-reviewed abstract available to me, and the figure isn't printed. Gottman, Coan, Carrère and Swanson's 1998 study of newlywed interactions had no abstract available. Wile's line that choosing a partner means choosing a set of problems is widely quoted but I couldn't confirm the book from here, so the point is made in my own words. Cloven and Roloff's 1991 paper on mulling and Bevan, Finan and Kaminsky's 2008 serial argument process model were found as records without abstracts and aren't cited. Karney and Bradbury's 1995 review of 115 longitudinal studies of marriage describes method rather than findings in its abstract and isn't cited.