The same argument againCalm

unbry

The same argument again

A short book about having one recurring row with your partner in different costumes

28 chapters13,298 wordsAbout 60 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit, and it belongs to two people. You have a row. It's about the…3 min
1Tuesday, the dishwasher, and MarchIt's Tuesday, about half past eight. You come into the kitchen and the dishwasher is open and full and clean, and the dirty things from dinner are on the…2 min
2Why the fresh case makes senseNobody fights the dishwasher row as though it were the first one because they've thought it through and decided that's the best approach. They fight it…2 min
3"This time it really is about the dishwasher"It is about the dishwasher. I'm not going to tell you it isn't, and I'm not going to tell you that the dishwasher doesn't matter, because a full…2 min
4"Once they finally understand, it'll stop"This is the belief that keeps you in the kitchen past the point where you'd have stopped with anyone else. Somewhere in you there's a final version of…2 min
5"Couples who are right for each other don't have the same row"Underneath the final version there's often a quieter and worse belief, which is that having one row for years is a sign. A sign that you picked wrong, or…2 min
6"I'd let it go if they'd just admit it"Every instance of the one row carries the record with it. Not just the thing from March, though that's usually in there, but the whole shape of the past…2 min
7"We've talked about it a hundred times"You have, and this is offered as proof that talking is the answer, only you haven't yet done it well enough. So the next instance gets more talking.…2 min
8"If I don't push, nothing changes"If you're the one who raises it, you'll have this belief, and it has a good pedigree. Things do get done because somebody asks. The dishwasher got emptied…2 min
9"If I go quiet, it'll blow over"If you're the other one, this is your belief, and it's the mirror of chapter 8. You've learned that answering back makes it longer. You've learned that…2 min
10"It always happens at the same time, so there's nothing we can do"You could set a clock by it. It's Sunday evening, or the night before a visit, or the second glass of wine, or bath time, or the drive home from their…2 min
11"We need to get to the bottom of it"At some point in most one rows, one of you says this, and it sounds like the mature view. Stop fighting about the dishwasher and find out what's really…2 min
12"I know exactly what it's about, they just won't admit it"If chapter 11 landed, you may have had a fast reaction to it, which is that you've known for years what's underneath, and the problem is that your partner…2 min
13"Naming it would make it worse"Suppose you accept all this. You still might not want to say it out loud, and the reasons are decent. Saying "this is the same row" mid-instance sounds…2 min
14"Once we've named it, we'll have to fix it"There's a fear that goes with naming, which is that a named row becomes a project. If you both agree that this is the on-my-own row, then surely the next…2 min
15"It'll get better when things calm down"You've had the row more since the baby, or since the move, or since one of you changed jobs and the hours got worse. So the belief is that it's…2 min
16"The children don't notice"You keep it down. You don't shout, mostly, and you take it to the kitchen, and the children are in the other room with the television on. So the belief is…2 min
17"We should be able to sort this ourselves"The last belief is about help. You're both reasonable adults. You've talked about the row, you've read about it, and now you're reading this, and the idea…2 min
18What the fresh case costs youAdd it up. Not the dishwasher, which costs four minutes, but the fresh case, which is the way you've been handling it. It costs the evening, every time.…2 min
19What it does to the rowThere's one more cost, and it's to the row itself. The fresh case doesn't just fail to end the row. It trains it. Each instance handled as a new case…2 min
20Name itThe method is three things, and they happen in order. Name the row. Agree what it's about. Handle the next instance. The first two are done once, on a…2 min
21Agree what it's aboutOnce the row has a name and each of you has said which worry you carry, there's one more conversation to have, and it's short. You agree what the row is…2 min
22Handle the instanceThe row is named, its two sentences are agreed, and then it's Tuesday and the dishwasher's full. This is what you do, and the whole of it takes ten…2 min
23The decisionYou've got the argument and the method. What's left is to decide, and I'd like the decision to fit in one sentence, and I'd like both of you to make it…2 min
24Only one of you, the children, the in-laws, money, the quiet one, since the baby, and when it's more than a rowThe method assumes two people at a kitchen table on a calm day. Here are the cases where it needs adjusting. Only one of you will read this. The naming in…4 min
25When you fought the fresh case againIt'll happen. It'll be a Thursday, both of you will be tired, the costume will be a new one you didn't recognise, and by the time either of you thought of…2 min
26Tuesday, the nameIt's Tuesday, about half past eight. You come into the kitchen and the dishwasher is open and full and clean, and the dirty things from dinner are on the…1 min
·NotesThese notes give the sources behind the claims in each chapter, and say where I'm giving my own interpretation. The book isn't medical, psychological or…6 min