Dementia, distance, the parent who was cruel, the sibling who won't, and when it's more than guilt

Dementia. Everything in chapters 3 to 19 applies, and some of it applies harder. Pinquart and Sörensen found the biggest gaps between carers and non-carers in dementia care, and Losada's questionnaire was built on dementia carers. The specific adjustments are these. The doorstep, chapter 7, may need to be handled differently, because a parent with dementia may not hold the plan you told them, and the named end is for you, not for her. Say it anyway, and go at four, and if she's distressed at the leaving, the distress is the illness and not a verdict, and a carer arriving as you leave can help. The expectation, chapter 16, may come in forms that aren't hers, accusations, repeated questions, a conviction that you haven't been for weeks when you came yesterday. None of it is about you. Dementia UK runs a helpline staffed by specialist nurses on 0800 888 6678, and a carer's assessment is more important, not less.

Distance. If you live three hours away and your sister lives round the corner, the sums run the other way and so does the guilt. The amount, chapter 20, is still yours to decide. It may be a weekend a month and a call every evening and all of the admin, which can be done from anywhere. Say it. Distance is not a lesser share. It's a different one.

The parent who was cruel. If your mother or father hurt you, then the guilt you feel about not caring for them now is not the guilt this book is about. It's older, and it was put there by them, and the debt it claims is not one you owe. You're allowed to decide the amount is small, or nothing, or practical help arranged through the council with no visits. That isn't revenge and it isn't failure. If the guilt is large and old and doesn't move, a counsellor is the right place, and NHS talking therapies take self-referrals for exactly this kind of long difficult feeling.

The sibling who won't. You've asked, specifically, twice, and the answer is no, or a yes that never happens. Then the gap is real and it's his. Fill it with help in, chapter 22, and put the sums down, chapter 21, and if you can't put them down, a single honest sentence to him, once, that you're disappointed, and then no more. The tally you keep after that is only costing you.

When it's more than guilt. If the feeling has gone flat, if you've stopped enjoying anything, if you're not sleeping, if you've thought you'd be better off out of it, that's not caring and it's not guilt. The NHS says persistent low mood for two weeks or more is a reason to see a GP, and a GP is also the person to tell that you're a carer, because that changes what help is offered. You can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies for low mood and anxiety without a GP. If you've had thoughts of ending your life, ring 111 or the Samaritans on 116 123, today. A carer who's ill is not a bad child. They're a person who needs looking after too, and the debt doesn't say otherwise.