Managers, mothers and people who ask three times

The method in chapter 14 is simple to describe. It's harder in some places than others, and it would be dishonest to stop without saying where.

Your manager. With the person who sets your work, a plain no is often not available. That's a fact about employment and doesn't mean you've failed at anything. What you can nearly always do is make the cost visible, which chapter 8 argued is the thing the habit hides. "Yes, I can take that on. It'll mean the quarterly report moves to the following week. Is that the right way round?" You haven't refused. You've given a fact about your time to the person whose job it is to decide how your time is used. Managers who were piling work on you because you always said "fine" often stop once they're shown what "fine" was costing. For the jobs nobody is strictly required to do, like the minutes, the collection and the social committee, the ordinary method works. "Let me check what I've got on and come back to you" is an unremarkable thing to say at work. If your workload is unmanageable whatever you say, the problem is bigger than this habit. It calls for a proper conversation with your manager, human resources or a union representative.

Family. These are the longest-running accounts you have, and the feeling of owing is at its strongest here. Much of it is justified, and chapter 10 applies in full. But families are also where the path from chapter 9 is worn deepest. If you've been the one who always hosts Christmas, drives your aunt or sorts out your parents' paperwork, then your first no will surprise people, and surprised people aren't at their best. Expect one or two rough conversations. Use the same words as you'd use with anyone, stay friendly, and don't get drawn into defending your whole character. "I can't do it this year. I'll happily bring the pudding." You'll probably have to say it more than once.

People who push. Most people take a no well. A few don't. They ask a third time and a fourth, or go quiet, or tell you how let down they are, or remind you of everything they've done for you. Stay with the repeated sentence from chapter 13. And take note of what you're learning. Someone who can hear a no and stay friendly was really asking you a question, and someone who can't wasn't. Their request was an instruction in the form of a question. It worked for as long as you never tested it. You needn't do anything dramatic with that knowledge. It's worth having when you next decide how much of your time that person gets.

Lapses. You'll be caught off guard. Somebody will ask at a bad moment and "yes, of course" will be out before you've thought of the holding line. This proves nothing about you or about whether the method works. Chapter 2 described a pull strong enough to get 100 people out of 103 to hand over their phones, and a book doesn't switch that off. What you can do is go back, and soon. "I spoke too soon yesterday. I've looked at my diary and I can't do it after all. I'm sorry to mess you about." Sent the next morning, that's a small nuisance to the other person and easy to forgive. If you leave it for nine days, you've sent the Friday night text from chapter 8. So when you catch yourself, correct it within a day. Then work out what caught you. It's usually a particular person or place, and you can make a when-then plan for it.

When a book isn't enough. For most readers this is a habit, and understanding it is a good part of changing it. For some it's tied to something that deserves proper help. Please talk to a GP, or look into the services below, if any of these sounds like you.

• The fear isn't limited to refusing. Everyday conversations, phone calls or being watched while you do something fill you with dread, and you arrange your life to avoid them. The NHS says social anxiety is common, that it often doesn't go away without treatment, and that it's a good idea to see a GP. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP first.
• Someone you live with, or a partner or relative, responds to your no with threats, punishment, control or violence. That is not a communication problem and this book's method is not the answer to it. The NHS advises telling someone, such as your GP. The freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is open at any time of day or night, and men can ring the Respect Men's Advice Line. Ring 999 in an emergency.
• You've been low, anxious or exhausted for weeks and can't see a way to reduce what you're carrying.

It may help to know that saying what you do and don't want is something therapists teach as a skill. Psychologists call it assertiveness training. A review by Brittany Speed, Brandon Goldstein and Marvin Goldfried describes it as a well-researched treatment that helps across a range of problems, and one that has been rather neglected in recent years. If you find you can't do alone what this book describes, asking for that kind of help is a sensible next step, and it doesn't mean you've failed.