You don't have to win this oneEveryday life

unbry

You don't have to win this one

A short book about arguing to be right with the person you live with

28 chapters11,600 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. You and the person you live with disagree about something small…2 min
1It was Tuesday, not WednesdayYou're at dinner and your partner says the plumber came on Wednesday. He came on Tuesday. You know he came on Tuesday, because you took the morning off…2 min
2Why winning seems rightBefore I argue with the habit I want to be fair to it, because it isn't stupidity and it isn't cruelty. It's usually a good quality pointed at the wrong…2 min
3"I'm just being accurate"Start with the belief that makes the habit feel like a virtue. You're not trying to win. You're being accurate. The fact is the fact, and you're the one…2 min
4"They're the one being stubborn"Once the fact is disputed, there's a second thing you notice, which is that your partner won't budge. You've shown them the evidence. They're still saying…2 min
5"If I let it go, I'm admitting they're right"Here's the belief that makes the win feel compulsory. If you stop pressing, you've conceded. The only options are to win or to lose, and losing means…2 min
6"If I'm wrong I'll admit it, so why can't they?"Here's a belief that feels like fairness. You're not unreasonable. When you're wrong, you say so. You've admitted things. It's your partner who can't, and…2 min
7"It's the principle"When the fact is small, the habit reaches for something larger. It's not about the plumber. It's the principle. It's about whether what you say gets…1 min
8"They'll never learn if I don't correct them"Some of the arguing has a teaching motive. If you let the wrong route stand, they'll take it again. If you don't correct the recipe, the cake will fail…2 min
9"I can't stand being misremembered"The worst arguments are about memory. What she said at Christmas. Whether you told them about Saturday. Who suggested the holiday. There's no calendar for…2 min
10"We've always argued like this, it's fine"Some couples will say this is just how they are. They bicker. It's been twenty years. Nobody's hurt. Two things. The first is the score. If you kept the…2 min
11"Winning clears the air"Here's a belief about what the win does. Once the fact is settled, it's over. The air's clear. Better to have it out and finish it than let it fester.…2 min
12"I'd be a doormat"The fear under all of this is that if you stop, you'll have no views. You'll agree with everything. You'll be the partner who says "whatever you think"…2 min
13"They start it"Fair enough. They said Wednesday first. They took the back road. They brought up Christmas. You didn't start any of it. You just responded, and the…2 min
14"I only do it with them"You don't argue about dates with your colleagues. You don't correct your friends' memories of Christmas. You'd never produce a calendar at a dinner party.…2 min
15"It's just banter, we enjoy it"Some couples argue for fun. The bickering is a form of play, both of them know it, and the evening after is the same as the evening before. If that's you…2 min
16"I'm right more often, so it's efficient"Some readers will grant everything so far and hold onto a last piece of arithmetic. Fine, certainty isn't evidence. But you keep a record, and the record…2 min
17What winning costs youI've argued the mechanism. This chapter is the bill, and you've been paying it while feeling that you'd won. The evenings. Every win on the list from…2 min
18What it does to themWinning is quiet for the winner and loud for the other person, so it's worth a chapter from their side. Living with someone who has to be right means…2 min
19The two questionsThe next four chapters are the method, and the method starts with two questions that take about a second each and end most arguments before they start. Is…2 min
20The third seatWhen an argument has started and the two questions didn't catch it, there's a way to see it that the research suggests does real work, and it takes about…2 min
21Dropping it out loudDeciding to drop it is most of the work. Saying so is the part that reaches your partner, and it needs a sentence, because a silent drop looks like a…2 min
22When it does matterSome disagreements pass both questions. The money. Where the children go to school. Whether to move. Whether your partner's mother is coming for a…2 min
23The decisionYou've got the argument and the method. What's left is to decide, and I'd like the decision to fit in one sentence. Before I argue to be right, I ask…2 min
24Memories, money, the children, in-laws, bedtime and when it's more than arguingThe rule holds everywhere. A few kinds of argument need their own paragraph. Memories. Chapter 9 is the argument. There's no record, so the first question…2 min
25When you had to win againIt'll happen. You'll be tired, and they'll say Wednesday, and the calendar will be out before the questions have arrived, and you'll win, and the…2 min
26It was TuesdayYou're at dinner, some months on, and your partner says the plumber came on Wednesday. He came on Tuesday. You know he came on Tuesday. The urge arrives…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't relationship counselling or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a…3 min