Notes

This book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't relationship counselling or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a counsellor who knows you both. The services I mention are for the UK as I found them in September 2026.

I've kept sources out of the chapters where I could so they read easily. Here they are by chapter, with the limits I'm aware of. Unless I say otherwise, I read the published summary of each paper and not the full text. I checked each paper for a retraction or correction notice in September 2026 and found none. Where a chapter isn't listed, it rests on my own reasoning. That includes chapters 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 13, 14, 15, 19, 21, 25 and 26. The plumber, the route, the Christmas remark, the recipe and the thermostat are invented.

Before you start. The helpline number is from the NHS pages on getting help for domestic abuse, as verified for earlier books in this series.

Chapter 3. Pronin, Lin and Ross, "The bias blind spot: perceptions of bias in self versus others", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 28, 2002, pages 369 to 381. Three studies, mostly surveys. The application to the dinner table is mine.

Chapter 4. Kennedy and Pronin, "When disagreement gets ugly: perceptions of bias and the escalation of conflict", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 34, 2008, pages 833 to 848. The term "bias-perception conflict spiral" is theirs. The application to couples is mine, since their studies weren't of couples.

Chapter 6. Pronin, Lin and Ross, and Kennedy and Pronin, as above. The observation about grand admissions is mine.

Chapter 8. Overall and McNulty, "What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?", Current Opinion in Psychology 13, 2017, pages 1 to 5. A review, used in the earlier book Say it this week for the case where a serious thing needs raising. The claim about what people learn from being defeated at dinner is my observation.

Chapter 10. Christensen and Heavey, "Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 59, 1990, pages 73 to 81. Thirty-one couples, which the chapter says is small. The chapter uses the structure of the pattern and holds the gender finding loosely. Kennedy and Pronin as above.

Chapter 11. Finkel, Slotter, Luchies, Walton and Gross, "A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time", Psychological Science 24, 2013, pages 1595 to 1601. One hundred and twenty couples over two years. The account of the conceder carrying the win is mine.

Chapter 12. Overall and McNulty as above.

Chapter 16. Pronin, Lin and Ross as above, for the record as a self-serving account. The arithmetic is mine.

Chapter 17. Kennedy and Pronin, Christensen and Heavey, and Finkel and colleagues as above. The rest is mine.

Chapter 18. Christensen and Heavey as above. The rest is mine.

Chapter 20. Finkel and colleagues as above. The description of the writing task, a neutral third party who wants the best for all, three times over the year, seven minutes each, is from the paper's summary and my knowledge of the study, and the notes flag that the exact wording should be checked against the full text. "The third seat" is my name for it, and the thirty-second version at the table is my adaptation and wasn't tested.

Chapter 22. Overall and McNulty as above. The earlier book on raising difficult things is Say it this week. The later book on the argument at bedtime is Go to bed cross if you have to.

Chapter 23. Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119. The rule hasn't been tested as a package, and what I say to expect is my expectation and not a finding.

Chapter 24. The helpline as above. Relate is named as the best-known UK provider of couples counselling. No claim is made about its effectiveness.