After you've done it again

You will do it again. I'd rather say so plainly than have you discover it on a bad Tuesday and conclude the book didn't work. You've had decades of practice with the old sentences, and they're quick. One evening you'll be tired and hungry, there'll be an audience, and out it will come. "What is wrong with you?" with all the old music.

What happens in the next ten minutes matters more than the slip.

The danger is plain once you've read chapter 5. You feel a rush of shame about having shamed someone. "I'm a terrible mother. I'm just like him. I've ruined her." Now you're a person in a flush with four exits in front of you. You might hide, and avoid your daughter for the evening. You might turn on yourself for hours, which helps nobody. You might turn on her again. "Well, if you didn't wind me up." Shame about shaming produces more shaming. It's the same loop, with you in it twice.

So apply the rule to yourself, right there. "I'm a terrible mother" is a label. "I called her stupid in front of her brother" is an event. Events can be dealt with, and the way to deal with this one is repair.

Go back to the person. Soon is better, the same day if you can, though late is still worth doing. A repair has four parts.

Name what you said, in the actual words. "I called you stupid." Vague apologies, like "sorry if I was a bit sharp", leave the label standing.

Take the label back, explicitly. "That was wrong of me, and it isn't true." People skip this, and it's the part that counts. The other person needs to hear, from the mouth that said it, that the verdict is withdrawn.

Say what it was really about. "I was embarrassed because the teacher was looking at me, and I took it out on you. That's mine to sort out, not yours." This is the truthful sentence from chapter 8, the one the label was covering for.

Then, if there was a real issue, deal with it separately and by the rule. "We do still need to talk about the homework. Let's do that after tea." Keep a gap between the apology and the issue, and don't join them with "but". "I'm sorry I called you stupid, but you do need to try harder" brings the label straight back.

Don't ask for forgiveness on the spot, and don't ask for reassurance that you're a good parent or partner. That turns your repair into their job. Say it, mean it, and let them have whatever reaction they have. A teenager may shrug and leave the room. It still went in.

The same applies with adults, and the wording barely changes. "In the meeting this morning I said you were careless, in front of the team. That was wrong and unfair. I was rattled because the director had just asked me about the error. I'll correct it with the team, and I'd like to go through the figures with you separately." If the shaming was public, part of the repair should be too. Otherwise the label stays standing with everyone who heard it.

For parents in particular, I'd add a thought, and it's my interpretation. A child who's never shamed would be a fine thing, but no child has that parent. What a child can have is a parent who, having said something cruel, comes back, names it, and takes it back. That child learns that a wrong can be admitted without the person collapsing, that the way back exists, and what it looks like. She'll need that knowledge for the rest of her life. It's close to the opposite of what shaming teaches, and the only time you can teach it is after you've got something wrong.

Later, when you're calm, review the slip the way you'd review any other event. Ask what the flush was about and who was watching. Ask whether you were tired, hungry, late, or fresh from being criticised yourself. You'll often find a pattern, such as the school run, the visits to your mother, or the hour after your weekly meeting with a particular manager. Patterns can be planned for. Leave ten minutes earlier. Eat before the visit. Take a walk round the block between the meeting and your team.

Some signs mean it's time to get help beyond a book.

• The shaming is frequent and you can't interrupt it despite trying.
• It comes with rage, or with physical roughness, or people at home are afraid of you.
• The voice aimed at yourself is constant, or comes with depression, or with thoughts that others would be better off without you.
• The shame is tied to trauma or abuse.
• You're using alcohol or something else to cover the feeling most days.

Your doctor is a sensible starting point and can refer you to a therapist. If you drink heavily every day, ask the doctor before cutting down sharply, because stopping suddenly can be dangerous. If you're at risk of harming yourself or someone else, contact emergency services or a crisis line now. Asking for help is a kind of repair, which is what this chapter has been recommending all along.