You spilled the milkConfidence

unbry

You spilled the milk

A short book about being shamed, and how to stop handing it on

16 chapters13,400 wordsAbout 61 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book. You can read it in two or three evenings. It has two subjects, and I think they're really one. The first is what to do with the…2 min
1The sentence that stayedYou drop a glass in the kitchen. Before the pieces have stopped moving, a voice says "clumsy, as usual". There's nobody else in the room. The voice is in…3 min
2Two feelings with one nameGo back to the milk, and to the two sentences available to the adult at that table. "You spilled the milk" describes something that happened a moment ago…3 min
3"If it hurts this much, it must be true"An example. A man in his fifties gives a presentation at work, and it goes fine. Afterwards a colleague says, lightly, "bit disorganised, that". For the…5 min
4"The voice keeps me in line"You've missed a deadline. Before anyone else has noticed, the voice has started. "Typical. You had three weeks. Everyone else manages. You're a joke." You…4 min
5Four things people do with shameShame is hard to stay in. It's one of the most unpleasant feelings there is, and people get out of it as fast as they can. The psychiatrist Donald…4 min
6The sentence in your own mouthVery few people think of themselves as someone who shames others. The word suggests a bully, and you're not one. You love your kids. You're decent to your…4 min
7"It worked on me"This is the strongest defence of shaming, and it's usually sincere. "My dad called me useless every day of my life and it made me determined to prove him…4 min
8"I'm only being honest"Two defences come up whenever someone is asked to stop shaming. One is honesty and the other is humour. Both protect something valuable, so both deserve…4 min
9"Without shame there'd be no standards"This fear sits under most of the others. If you stop shaming your children, they'll grow up spoiled. If you stop shaming your staff, they'll coast. If…4 min
10The decisionHere's the rule the book has been building towards. Say what happened. Leave out what they are. It applies to your children, your partner, your…5 min
11When someone shames you nowThe rule covers what comes out of you. This chapter is about what comes at you, from a boss, a parent, a partner, or a stranger with a keyboard. Start…4 min
12Old shameSome shame is decades old. It's the sentence from chapter 1, or a memory attached to it. It might be something that was said to you, or done to you, or…5 min
13After you've done it againYou will do it again. I'd rather say so plainly than have you discover it on a bad Tuesday and conclude the book didn't work. You've had decades of…4 min
14The next timeSomewhere in the next few days, something will get spilled. It might be milk. It might be a colleague's error landing on your desk, or your own mistake…1 min
·NotesThe distinction between shame and guilt in chapter 2, and the summary of what each is linked to, draws on June Price Tangney, Jeff Stuewig and Debra…5 min

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