Could you hold the ladder?Confidence

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Could you hold the ladder?

A short book about finding it hard to ask for help

16 chapters11,755 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book. You can read it in two or three evenings. It's for people who find it hard to ask for help. I mean the small kind, like a lift to…1 min
1The chest of drawers on the stairsHere's an example. You've bought a chest of drawers, and it needs to go upstairs. Your brother lives ten minutes away and has said more than once, "ring…3 min
2What not asking buys youThink about the last time you swerved, and try to remember the second before. For most people there's a small physical wince. It's a quick mix of…3 min
3"They'll say no"You need to be at the airport for six in the morning. It's an invented example, though you may have lived it. You go through the people who could drive…3 min
4"I'd be a burden"As an example, say you move flat on your own, over a weekend, with a hired van. A friend hears about it afterwards and says "you should have said, I'd…4 min
5"They'll think I can't cope"Say you're three weeks into a new job, and you don't know how the expenses system works. Everyone else seems to. You spend two hours clicking through…4 min
6"Then I'll owe them"Take a small example. Your neighbour offers to water your plants while you're away. You say "oh no, I couldn't", and spend forty pounds on self-watering…3 min
7"It's quicker to do it myself"Your fourteen-year-old, in this example, has never used the washing machine. Showing him would take twenty minutes, including the conversation about why…3 min
8"If they cared, they'd notice"Picture the end of a big family dinner. You've cooked for twelve, and now you're in the kitchen with the wreckage while everyone else is in the living…4 min
9"That's just how I am"Many families have a story about it. "She's always been like that. At five she wouldn't let anyone do up her coat." It's told fondly, and it carries a…4 min
10The decisionBy now I hope the habit's reasons look less solid than they did. People say yes more often than you predict. They mind less than you think, and they often…5 min
11When the answer is noSuppose you ask a colleague to cover your Friday shift. She says "sorry, I can't, I'm taking my mum to the hospital". You say "no problem at all!" a…3 min
12The big asksSo far most of the examples have been furniture and spreadsheets. This chapter is about the other kind. You've found a lump and told nobody. You're three…3 min
13After you've done it alone againThree weeks after finishing this book, you'll find yourself at midnight doing something alone that two people could have done by nine. You'll realise that…3 min
14The next askThere are three things to do, and the first one can be done today. Make one small request of one safe person. Pick something that barely matters, so that…1 min
·NotesThe studies of predicted and actual agreement in chapter 3 are Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake, "If you need help, just ask: underestimating compliance…7 min

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