After you've done it alone again

Three weeks after finishing this book, you'll find yourself at midnight doing something alone that two people could have done by nine. You'll realise that you never even considered asking. And a thought will arrive along the lines of "there you go, that's just me".

Expect this. The habit is decades old and the swerve takes under a second. You're going to miss it many times, and at first you'll mostly catch it afterwards. Catching it afterwards is how catching it starts. Before, you didn't notice at all.

The first thing to know is that a late ask is still an ask. Most situations stay open longer than the habit says. "I should have asked you on Monday and I didn't. Could you look at it now?" is a complete request. It's slightly embarrassing, and it's much cheaper than another midnight. The friend you told "fine, busy" can get a message the next day that says "I wasn't fine, actually. Can I ring you?"

The second is to review what happened without reaching a verdict on yourself. Look for the swerve. Find the point where asking was possible, and recall what reason came up. Most people have a usual one. It might be "they're busy", or "I should be able to do this", or "it's not worth the fuss". Once you know yours, you'll start to recognise it as it arrives, in the way you'd recognise a salesman's patter the second time you heard it.

Watch for one particular kind of lapse. When requests go unmade for weeks, they tend to come out all at once, as an accusation. "I do everything in this house and nobody lifts a finger." It feels like finally asking. It isn't a request, though, because it doesn't name anything the other person could do, and what it gets is a defence. If that's happened, you can mend it by making the request it was standing in for. "I'm sorry about last night. What I should have said weeks ago is that I need you to take over the bins and the school forms."

Bad stretches will set you back, and the setback has a cruel shape. The more loaded you are, the less you ask, because asking takes a little spare effort and you've none left. So don't rely on deciding in the moment. In a calm week, set up something that doesn't need a decision. Tell a friend "when I go quiet, that usually means it's bad, so ring me". Agree with your partner that Sunday evening is when you both say what you need from the week.

I'd be careful about keeping score. A tally of asks per week turns a lapse into a broken streak, and then into a reason to give up. The aim was never a number. It was for asking to be possible when you need it.

Sometimes the habit doesn't shift with understanding and practice. If you can't make even small requests of safe people after trying for a while, or the attempt brings panic, or you were neglected or mistreated by the people you first depended on, that's a good reason to see a therapist. Start with your doctor if you don't know where to look. Do the same if you've been low or withdrawn for more than a couple of weeks, since pulling away from people is a common feature of depression and it can pass itself off as independence. Seeing a therapist is also, you'll have noticed, a request for help. It counts.