Before you start

This is a short book. You can read it in two or three evenings.

It's for people who find it hard to ask for help. I mean the small kind, like a lift to the station or a second pair of hands, and the large kind, like telling someone you aren't coping. If you're the person everyone else rings, and you can't remember the last time you rang anyone, it's for you.

You already know that asking is allowed. People have told you to "just ask" for years, and it hasn't worked, because the advice skips the part where asking feels impossible. So most of this book looks at the beliefs that make it feel that way. "They'll say no." "I'd be a burden." "They'll think I can't cope." "Then I'll owe them." "It's quicker to do it myself." Each of these is partly reasonable, and I'll try to treat each one fairly before I argue with it.

Some of the arguments rest on research, and the notes at the back say which studies and how far they can be trusted. The rest is my own reasoning, and I'll say so when it matters.

The practical chapter is number 10. It comes late on purpose. A method for asking is easy to write down, and you could probably write most of it yourself. The beliefs are what stop you using it, so they come first.

You don't have to wait for chapter 10, though. If a chance to ask for something small comes up tonight, take it. Nothing later in the book depends on you struggling on alone in the meantime.

A few chapters ask you to check a claim against your own memory. Please do those. You've been on both sides of a request for help many times, and what you remember is better evidence than anything I can tell you.