"They'll think I can't cope"

Say you're three weeks into a new job, and you don't know how the expenses system works. Everyone else seems to. You spend two hours clicking through menus and old emails to find out what a colleague could have told you in two minutes. You do this so that nobody finds out you didn't know.

The belief is that asking shows a gap, and that competent people don't have gaps. You're far from alone in fearing this. When researchers at Harvard and Wharton asked people how they'd come across if they asked a colleague for advice, they predicted they'd look less capable. Earlier work by Fiona Lee found that people at work ask their equals for help more readily than they ask anyone above or below them, which suggests that status worries are steering them.

So the fear is normal. The question is whether it's accurate, and the evidence is more mixed than either of us might like.

On one side there's the study those Harvard and Wharton researchers went on to run. Students worked on a hard brain-teaser and then got a message from a partner who'd be doing it next. The message said either "I hope it went well" or "I hope it went well. Do you have any advice?" The partner who asked for advice was rated as more competent. The authors' explanation is that being asked is flattering. You feel that anyone who wants your opinion must have good judgement.

The effect was small, and it had conditions. It appeared when the task was hard, when the person doing the rating was the one who'd been asked, and when that person knew the subject. On an easy task, asking didn't help, but it didn't hurt either. The partner was simulated by a computer, and the whole thing took minutes, so it says nothing about a reputation built over years.

On the other side, a small field study of business students on outdoor leadership courses found that male leaders who sought help were rated as less competent by their teams. Female leaders weren't. A follow-up experiment using written descriptions of a meeting found the same. So in some settings, and for some people, the cost you fear is real.

My summary is that the damage to your reputation from asking is usually smaller than you expect and often nil. Sometimes asking improves your standing, and now and then the damage is real. That's a long way from the habit's assumption, which is that it's large and certain.

Now consider what does harm a reputation at work. What follows is my view, from how workplaces generally run. The things that get remembered are the problem that surfaced on deadline day, the error a second reader would have caught, and the three days lost on something a colleague could have unblocked in an hour. Managers don't often complain that someone asked too many sensible questions. They complain that they weren't told sooner. If what you want is to look capable, then keeping a difficulty hidden until it can't be hidden any longer is about the riskiest plan available.

There is a kind of asking that does look bad. One kind is asking the same question three times because you didn't write the answer down. Another is asking before you've tried anything. Another is asking someone to do your job for you when what you needed was to be shown how. What they have in common is that they cost the other person more than they needed to.

That points to a way of asking that shows competence. Say what you've tried, where you're stuck, and what you need. "I've checked the formulas in the first two sheets and they're fine. I think the fault's in the lookup on the third. Could you give it ten minutes?" A request like that lays out your thinking for the other person to see, and nobody hearing it would conclude that you can't cope.

This isn't only about offices. New parents hide how hard they're finding it. People caring for an elderly relative insist they're managing. At home the belief is that needing help means you're failing at something everyone else does unaided. Mostly, everyone else is either getting help or hiding the same struggle. Looking after a newborn or a parent with dementia is too much work for one person, and needing help with it says nothing about your ability.

You might object that some workplaces do punish questions. Some do. If yours mocks people for asking, that tells you about the workplace, and it may be worth weighing when you think about how long to stay. Even there, you can usually find one or two colleagues at your own level who are safe to ask.

A practical rule for work is a time limit. If you've been stuck for half an hour and someone nearby knows the answer, ask. Your employer is paying for that half hour and would much prefer you spent two minutes of someone else's.