The big asks

So far most of the examples have been furniture and spreadsheets. This chapter is about the other kind. You've found a lump and told nobody. You're three months behind with the rent and you've stopped opening the post. Your father died in the spring, you haven't slept properly since, and everyone thinks you're doing well.

This is where the habit costs most. A small job done alone costs an evening. A symptom kept quiet or a debt kept hidden gets worse while you wait, and some of them get worse quickly.

The belief here is usually a version of "small things, maybe, but this is too much to put on anyone". It comes with a second one, "I ought to be able to handle this myself". I understand both. A big ask exposes more of you than a small one, and you can't pay it back in kind. Saying it aloud also makes it real, which is a reason people put off telling even a doctor.

Try the reversal again, because here it's at its strongest. Imagine your closest friend is in your exact situation, and hides it from you for six months to spare you the trouble. Then you find out. I doubt you'd feel grateful for being spared. I'd expect you to be hurt, and to ask "why didn't you tell me?" The people who love you would rather carry some of it than learn later that you carried it alone.

There's also a large body of research linking social ties to health. One large review pooled 148 studies and about 300,000 people. Those with stronger relationships had about 50 per cent better odds of being alive at follow-up, which came on average seven and a half years later. These were observational studies, so they can't prove that the relationships did the protecting. They also measured having people around, which isn't the same as asking them for things. I mention it because it fits something I believe anyway, which is that relationships do you most good when you use them.

Professionals count as asking, and they're often the right place to start. A doctor, a debt adviser, a solicitor, a therapist. If your main fear is being a burden, notice that none of it applies to them. It's their job. You owe them nothing but the fee, and sometimes not even that, since many countries have free debt advice services and free crisis lines. With anything medical, please don't let the habit decide the timing. A symptom that worries you is a reason to book an appointment this week.

With friends and family, a big ask doesn't have to be made in one piece. The first request can be very small. "Something hard is going on and I haven't told anyone. Can I talk to you about it?" That's the whole ask. You can add "I don't need you to fix it", which takes away the pressure that makes people awkward. If you don't yet know what you need, you can say that too.

Nor does it all have to land on one person. One friend can drive you to the hospital. Another can be the one you talk to at night. A brother who's useless with feelings may be good with forms. Spreading it out is the practical answer to the fear of being too much, because nobody gets all of it.

At times like these people will say "let me know if there's anything I can do". They nearly always mean it, and as it stands nobody can act on it, so it gets left unused on both sides. Treat it as an open offer and fill it in. "Actually, there is. Could you walk the dog on Thursdays while I'm having treatment?" In my view most people are relieved to be given a job. They wanted to help and didn't know how.

If what you're carrying includes thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, the first person to ask is a doctor or a crisis line, and today is the day. If you're in immediate danger, ring the emergency services. You can tell friends afterwards. That request is more important than any other in this book.