The message from Tuesday

It's Sunday evening and you're going through your phone with the vague intention of tidying it. There's a message from a friend. It came on Tuesday. It's a photo of a cake she made for her mum's seventieth, and two lines about how the weekend went, and a question about whether you're still thinking of coming up in October. You read it on Tuesday, in a queue, and you felt warm about it, and you thought, I'll reply properly tonight.

Tonight went. Wednesday you saw it again and thought, I'll do it at the weekend when I can give it some thought. It's now the weekend. You open the message. You type "Sorry for the slow reply, it's been a mad week". You look at that for a moment. It's a bad opening and October needs a real answer and the cake needs more than a thumbs up after five days. You delete what you typed. You'll do it tomorrow, when you're fresh. You put the phone down with a small heavy feeling, and you go and find something to watch.

Above her in the list there are ten others like it. A cousin. A friend from the old job who asked if you fancied a drink, three weeks ago. Someone whose birthday was on the ninth and it's now the fourteenth, so a message would have to mention that. A group you've muted. Each of them you like. Each of them you've meant to answer. You're not avoiding any of these people. You're avoiding the reply.

These are invented, but I'd guess yours are close. Some words. The open message is a message received and not answered. The stretch is how long it's been open. The proper reply is the answer you're waiting to have time for, long enough and thoughtful enough to deserve the person. The meaning-to is the sentence "I've been meaning to reply", which is true, and which is where most of these friendships are living. The surcharge is what a reply seems to need once the stretch has grown, an apology, an explanation, a length to make up for it. The turn is the thought that it's the other person's go. Two lines is the reply this book is going to ask for. And the thinning is what happens to a friendship over a few years of this.

Before you go on, do one thing. Open your messages and count the open ones from people you like. Next to each, write the stretch. Days, weeks, or "I don't know". Then pick the oldest and don't reply to it yet. You'll want it in chapter 25.