Swap the softener

The softener and the weather sorry have replacement sentences, and they're the sentences most people already use. This chapter is a list, because a list is what you need in the half-second.

"Quick one." For the question at work. Dev's sentence. It says a question is coming and it'll be brief, and it costs nothing.

"Can I ask." For the question where you want to signal a little more. It's a request for attention and not for permission, and the difference is that attention is owed between colleagues and permission isn't.

"Excuse me." For doorways, queues, getting past. It's the ordinary word for occupying space and it carries no blame.

"Thanks for waiting." For lateness, when it's minutes and nobody was harmed. It acknowledges their time, which is what the sorry was trying to do, and it does it in the thanking register, which gives them credit rather than taking blame onto you. If the lateness was a fault, it's chapter 22, and the earlier book in this series on lateness has the full account.

"That sounds rough." For other people's weather. It says you noticed, which is what Brooks found the trust came from, and it doesn't take their day onto your account.

"I think there's a problem with the north figures." For the meeting. Not "sorry, can I just". The thing, said, with your name on it. If it feels abrupt, it's because you've been prefacing for years and an unprefaced sentence sounds bare. It isn't. It's a sentence.

Nothing. For the doorway when the other person walked into you. Leave the half-second and let them say it.

The thanks swap. Wherever a sorry was doing the work of acknowledgement, thank you does it better. "Sorry for the delay" becomes "thanks for your patience". "Sorry to chase" becomes "just following up". "Sorry, I don't understand" becomes "can you say that again?". In Chaudhry and Loewenstein's account, thanking gives the other person credit without taking blame onto you, and it's the one of the four communications that costs no competence, which makes it the swap that gives the warmth and keeps the standing.

"That's a good point." For the meeting, when someone's said something and you want to add to it. Not "sorry, just to add". The sentence acknowledges them, which is what the sorry was reaching for, and then you add, and the addition arrives as a contribution rather than an intrusion.

"I'd like to." For when you're asked to do something and you're agreeing. Not "sorry, yes, of course". Agreement doesn't need an apology in front of it, and "I'd like to" is agreement with a person in it.

Write three on a card. The three you'll need most. For most people it's "quick one", "thanks for waiting" and "excuse me". Have them where you'll see them for a week, and by the second week they'll arrive on their own.