You've apologised enoughConfidence

unbry

You've apologised enough

A short book about saying sorry for things that aren't faults, and what it teaches people about you

28 chapters11,604 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. You say sorry. Someone bumps into you in a doorway and you say…2 min
1Sorry, quick oneYou're in the doorway at work and someone comes through the other way and walks into you. "Sorry," you say. They were the one who wasn't looking. At your…2 min
2Why sorry seems rightBefore I argue with the reflex, I want to be fair to it, because it comes from a good place and the people who do it are mostly the kind ones. It's…2 min
3"It's just politeness"Start with the belief that sorry is free. It's a courtesy word. It doesn't mean anything. It's just what you say. Shereen Chaudhry and George Loewenstein…2 min
4"It's what British people say"Here's the belief that makes the habit feel like culture. Everyone here says sorry. It's the national word. A book about it is a book about being British…2 min
5"It shows I'm considerate"Here's the belief with the best evidence behind it, and I want to give it its due before I take it somewhere else. Alison Wood Brooks, Hengchen Dai and…2 min
6"It smooths the way in"The softener is the sorry that opens a request. "Sorry, quick one." "Sorry to bother you." "Sorry, can I just." You'd say it helps. It signals that you…2 min
7"Better too many than too few"There's a fear at the bottom of all this, and it's of the other kind of person. The one who never apologises. Who bumps into you and walks on. Who gets it…2 min
8"A sorry costs nothing"You'd say, even granting the trade, that a sorry is a small thing and there's no limit on them. You can issue as many as you like. Nobody runs out. Roy…2 min
9"It's only a word, nobody hears it"Here's a belief that lets the day's sorries pass unexamined. They're background. Nobody registers them. The colleague hears the question, not the sorry in…2 min
10"If I don't, they'll think I'm arrogant"The fear that stops most people is a picture. You come through the doorway without the sorry, or open the email without it, or say the thing in the…2 min
11"Sorry for asking is just manners"Some readers will defend the softener as a matter of form. You're asking someone to do something for you. Manners require an acknowledgement. Sorry is the…2 min
12"I'm sorry you're upset"There's a sorry for other people's feelings. A friend is having a bad day and you say sorry. A colleague is stressed about a deadline you had nothing to…2 min
13"If I don't apologise first, they'll be angry"Some of the reflex is defensive. You get the sorry in before the other person can be cross. The doorway sorry pre-empts the look. The email sorry…2 min
14"It's how I was raised"A lot of readers will recognise the reflex from a house. Sorry was the safe word. Said early, said often, it turned away trouble before trouble arrived. A…2 min
15"It's a woman thing"Some readers will have a ready explanation for the habit, and it's that women apologise more and they're a woman and there's nothing to be done about a…2 min
16"Stopping would feel rude"Now the practical fear. You know how the sorry comes out. You come through the doorway, someone walks into you, and the word is out before you've thought.…2 min
17"I only do it at work"Some readers will say the reflex is a work thing. At home they're fine. It's the office where the sorries come out, and the office is where it matters…2 min
18What the reflex costs youI've argued the mechanism. This chapter is the bill, and most of it is paid without your seeing it leave. The read. Warm, junior, unsure, the one who'll…2 min
19What it teaches people about youThe subtitle of this book promises to say what the sorries teach people, and this is the chapter. Nobody sets out to learn these things about you. They…2 min
20Sort the sorriesThe next three chapters are the method. This one is a sorting exercise that takes an evening and does most of the work, because once you've seen the day's…2 min
21Swap the softenerThe softener and the weather sorry have replacement sentences, and they're the sentences most people already use. This chapter is a list, because a list…2 min
22Keep the real one and make it countThe book has spent a long time on the sorries that weren't owed. This chapter is about the ones that are, because the point of clearing the reflex is that…2 min
23The decisionYou've got the argument and the method. What's left is to decide, and I'd like the decision to fit in one sentence. I say sorry when I've done something…2 min
24Emails, meetings, restaurants, crowds, partners and when it's more than a habitThe rule holds everywhere. A few places need their own paragraph. Emails. The written softener is the one you can go back and delete before sending, and…2 min
25When you've said sorry twelve times before lunchIt'll happen. A tired morning, a difficult colleague, a meeting that went badly, and by lunch you'll have said sorry twelve times and counted them, and…1 min
26Thanks for waitingYou're in the doorway at work, some months on, and someone comes through the other way and walks into you. There's half a second. "Sorry," they say…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a GP or a therapist who knows you.…4 min