Let them do it badlyEveryday life

unbry

Let them do it badly

A short book about doing everything for your children because it's quicker, and what they don't learn

28 chapters13,587 wordsAbout 62 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit, which is doing things for your children that they could do for…2 min
1The shoes, the zip, and the cerealIt's quarter to eight. Ava is four and she's sitting on the bottom stair with one shoe on the wrong foot and the other shoe in her hand, looking at it as…2 min
2Why the hand goes outBefore I argue with the takeover, I want to be fair to it, because it isn't neglect and it isn't laziness. It's the opposite of both. The hand goes out…2 min
3"It's quicker"It is. I'm not going to argue that a four-year-old does a strap faster than you, or that a nine-year-old packs a bag in the time you'd take. On any given…2 min
4"They can't do it yet"Sometimes that's true and it settles the matter. A two-year-old can't do a zip, whatever they think. But "they can't do it yet" mostly means "they can't…2 min
5"They'll make a mess"They will. The cereal will go on the floor. The toast will be buttered on the plate and then on the table. The bag will be packed with the wrong book and…2 min
6"I can't stand watching"This one is more honest than the others and I'd like to spend some time on it, because I think it's closer to the centre of the habit than time or mess.…2 min
7"They get so frustrated"They do. Ava cries at the strap. Leo throws the bag. Maya says "I can't" and pushes the form away. The frustration is real and it's loud and the takeover…2 min
8"I'm just helping"Of course you are. Nobody thinks of the takeover as taking. It feels like help, and often it started as help, and the line between them is hard to see…2 min
9"They're only little"Ava is four. Of course you do her shoes. The sentence is true and it has an expiry date, and the thing I'd ask you to notice is that the sentence doesn't…2 min
10"It's my job to look after them"It is. I'm not going to argue with the job. I'd argue with the definition, because "look after" has quietly come to mean "do", and it used to mean…2 min
11"They don't want to do it"Ava doesn't want to do her shoes. Leo doesn't want to pack his bag. Maya, offered the form, looks at you as though you've handed her a tax return. That's…2 min
12"They'll do it wrong and I'll only have to redo it"You won't, though. That's the thing I'd ask you to consider. You could not redo it. Leo makes his bed and the duvet is rucked and one pillow is on the…2 min
13"They've got enough on with school"Leo has spelling, reading, a project on the Romans, and football on Tuesday. It seems unkind to add the bag and the bed to that. School is his work and…2 min
14"What will people think"This one doesn't get said out loud, so I'll say it. Ava will turn up with her shoes on the wrong feet and her hair done by Ava. Leo's lunch box will have…1 min
15"Other parents do it all"They do, mostly. The takeover isn't your quirk. It's the water, and it's worth seeing that, because a habit that everybody has doesn't feel like a habit.…2 min
16"I do it because I love them"Yes. I've left this one until last among the beliefs because it's the truest and the hardest to argue with, and I don't want to argue with it. I want to…2 min
17What the takeover costs youSo far I've talked about what it costs the child. I'd like to spend a chapter on what it costs you, because I think you've been under-counting, and the…2 min
18What it does to themI've been careful in this book not to say that the takeover damages children, because the research doesn't say it, and because most children of parents…2 min
19Pick the one job and say what done looks likeThe method begins here, and it's small on purpose. You're not reorganising the household. You're handing over one job, properly, and then another. Pick…2 min
20Sit on your handsYou've handed over the bag. It's the next morning and Leo is on the landing looking at it, and you're standing there with your keys, and the hand is…2 min
21Build the marginThe reason the method fails, when it fails, is the clock. You handed over the shoes on Monday, and on Thursday you were late, and the hand went out…2 min
22The decisionYou've read the argument. Here's the decision, in one sentence, and then how to hold it. The rule is this. If they can do it badly, they do it. Not if…2 min
23Give it back and leave it givenThe job's been theirs for a fortnight and it's roughly working. This chapter is about the two things that happen next, which are adding another job and…2 min
24Toddlers, teenagers, the child who finds it harder, the other parent, and the morning that can't be slowMost of the book assumes a child somewhere between four and fourteen and a parent with a bit of room. Here are the cases where that's not quite you.…3 min
25When you did it for them againIt's Thursday, you were late, and you did the shoes. Or it's three weeks in, and you look up one morning and realise you've been packing the bag again for…2 min
26The shoes, againIt's quarter to eight, a term on. Ava is on the bottom stair with a shoe in each hand, and they're the right way round, because she worked out about a…1 min
·NotesThese notes give the sources behind the claims in each chapter, and say where I'm giving my own interpretation. The book isn't medical or psychological…8 min