Partners, children, colleagues, the person who never thanks you, and when it's more than a habit

The rule is the same everywhere, but the rooms are different, and it's worth a few words on each.

A partner. This is where the commentary has usually run longest and where the "you're welcome" was said. Start here if you can. The first specific thanks may get a suspicious look, because a partner who's lived under the scan for years has learned to hear a fault behind every opening. Keep it short and don't explain unless asked. If they say "what do you want?", the honest answer is "nothing, I just saw it". Expect it to take a few weeks before the thanks is heard as thanks. Chapter 6 says why. They've got years of evidence to update.

Children. The homework rule is to say the eighteen before the two, and to say them specifically. "You got all the fractions ones" is worth more than "well done", because it tells her what she can do. Then look at the two with her, as a thing to understand rather than a thing she got wrong. Children under the scan learn to hide their work. Children whose fine gets seen keep showing it, and that's the only way you'll get to help with the two.

At work. The report rule is the first good thing first, separately, and the wrong total after. If you manage people, this is most of what managing is, and the scan is the most common reason a capable manager is described as hard to work for. Keep the standard. Say the forty pages. Your colleague will send the next draft early again, and early is where you can still fix things.

Being thanked yourself. People with the scan often deflect thanks. "It was nothing." "Don't be silly." That's the same habit, turned round. Your own fine is unrecorded by the same method, and when someone else records it, you delete the entry. Try "you're welcome" instead, and let it stand. It's practice in the idea that fine things are worth saying.

The person who never thanks you. You may have one of these, and you may have picked up the scan from them. You can't make them say the fine, and this book isn't a way to get thanks back. Two things help. The first is to say your own thanks anyway, because the rule is about your record and not theirs. The second is chapter 6 in reverse. Their silence doesn't mean they haven't noticed. It might, but it might also mean they were raised in a house where the fine was never said, and that's most houses. If it matters to you to know, ask them, plainly, once.

Being the one under the scan. If you live or work with someone who runs the commentary on you, the reading of it in chapter 6 is worth having. Their remarks are a record of what rang, not a verdict on you, and the silence about your fine is an omission and not a judgement. That doesn't make it pleasant to live with. It does make it less personal. If their commentary has moved past faults into contempt, or you find yourself afraid of it, that's a different subject and not one this book covers.

Complaining. The scan has a cousin, which is complaining about things nobody in the room can fix. The weather, the council, the trains. It's the same attention going where the ringing is, and the same correction applies. Ask what's fine, and say that instead sometimes. But that's a book of its own and I'll leave it there.

When it's more than a habit. I said in the preface that if nothing has felt fine for a fortnight, that's health and not habit. The same applies if the scan has recently got much worse, or if you find you can't feel anything when you do see the table, week after week. Low mood makes the fine invisible in a way that no method reaches, and the NHS guide is that low mood or loss of pleasure lasting most of the day for two weeks is reason to see a GP. Go. The book will still be here.

Slips. You'll walk in one evening and say "the pan's still there" before you've looked at anything. Everyone does. It's not a sign the rule failed or that you didn't mean it. It's a scan that's been running for decades doing what it does. The response is the same as for any fault, which is to fix it. Look for the fine, now, and say it. "Sorry, that came out first. The table looks great." Then carry on. The rule is about the next room, not the last one.