They're nine, not lazyCalm

unbry

They're nine, not lazy

A short book about expecting children to behave like small adults and being let down daily

26 chapters11,638 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. You expect your child to do a thing that a sensible adult would…2 min
1The PE kitIt's Thursday, twenty to nine, and Sam is at the school gate without his PE kit. It's the third Thursday running. You've reminded him. You reminded him…2 min
2Why the standard seems rightBefore I argue with the standard, I want to be fair to it, because it isn't unkindness and the reasons for it are mostly good ones. They can do it…2 min
3"They're old enough to remember"Start with the kit, and the belief that nine is old enough to hold one thing in mind between the bedroom and the front door. Susan Gathercole and…2 min
4"They did it yesterday, so they can"Here's the belief that turns a capacity question into a character one. He remembered the kit last week. He came off the tablet on Tuesday. So he can, and…2 min
5"They just don't care"The tablet is where this belief lives. You said it was time. He said OK. He carried on. He heard you and chose the game, and that's not memory, that's not…2 min
6"They've got no sense of time"You said five minutes and it was twenty. You said we're late and he carried on tying his shoe as if the word meant nothing. From an adult's chair, time is…2 min
7"I did it at their age"You remember being nine. You had your kit. You were dressed and ready. Nobody had to tell you three times, and if they had, you'd have listened, because…2 min
8"If I don't expect it, they'll never learn"This is the belief that makes lowering the standard feel like giving up on the child. Expectation is how children rise. Take it away and they stay where…2 min
9"They can do it for their teacher"Here's the observation that seems to settle it. At school, Sam remembers things. He sits still. He's ready for PE. His teacher says he's lovely. So he…2 min
10"It's laziness"The label arrives at the third Thursday, and it feels like a diagnosis. Lazy. Not a description of the morning, a description of the child. Ask what…2 min
11"They're being defiant"Sometimes the letdown comes with a no. Not a forgotten kit but a refused one. Not carrying on with the tablet but "I'm not coming off". That's not…2 min
12"They're so bright, they should know better"Some readers will feel that the capacity argument doesn't apply to their child. Sam reads two years above his age. He beat you at chess. A child who can…2 min
13"I'm just being consistent"Every parenting source says consistency matters, and you'd say the standard is you being consistent. Kit every Thursday. Tablet off at half past seven.…2 min
14"Other children manage"At the school gate on Thursday there are children with their kits. Sam's friend has his. The girl from number twelve is always ready, always tidy, always…2 min
15"I'll be doing it for them at eighteen"Here's the fear that keeps the standard high. If you pack the bag, you'll always pack the bag. If you make the list, you'll be making it at university.…2 min
16What the standard costs youI've argued the mechanism. This chapter is the bill, and you've been paying it in the mornings. The letdown itself. Daily, at twenty to nine and half past…2 min
17What it does to themThe standard is quiet for the parent, who's only disappointed. It's loud for the child, who's told. A child told most days that he's lazy learns that he's…2 min
18Set the standard at the ageThe next three chapters are the method. This one moves the standard. The next builds the arrangement. The third hands it over. Three columns. Take the…2 min
19Build the arrangementThe arrangement is the set of cues that let a child in the middle column meet the standard. It's what the classroom has and home hasn't, and it's not…2 min
20Hand it over slowlyThe arrangement isn't the destination. It's the route. This chapter is how a task moves along it until the child is doing it alone, which is the standard…2 min
21The decisionYou've got the argument and the method. What's left is to decide, and I'd like the decision to fit in one sentence. When my child lets me down, I ask what…2 min
22Toddlers, teenagers, homework, the other parent and when the gap is too wideThe rule holds at every age. The columns move, and a few situations need a paragraph. Toddlers. Almost everything is in the with-you column, and the…2 min
23When you called them lazy againIt'll happen. A bad morning, a third reminder, the kit on the bed, and the word will be out before the question has arrived. You'll see his face, and then…2 min
24The PE kit, againIt's Thursday, twenty to nine, some months on. The bag is by the door because it was packed last night, by Sam, while you asked "what do we need?" from…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't medical, psychological or educational advice, and it's no substitute for a teacher…3 min