Notes

This book gives general information. It isn't psychological or medical advice, and it's no substitute for a professional who knows your situation. NHS guidance is quoted as I found it in September 2026 and applies to England.

I've kept sources out of the chapters where I could so they read easily. Here they are by chapter, with the limits I'm aware of. Unless I say otherwise, I read the published summary of each paper and not the full text. I checked each paper for a retraction or correction notice in September 2026 and found none on the papers cited. Where a chapter isn't listed, it rests on my own reasoning. That includes chapters 1, 9, 10, 12, 14 and 18, and most of 17. You, Sam, Anna and every other example are invented for illustration.

Most of the research here measures what psychologists call self-compassion, usually with a questionnaire developed by Kristin Neff. I've mostly written "being kind to yourself" in the chapters. Some researchers have questioned whether that questionnaire measures one thing or two, a kind stance and the absence of a harsh one. For this book the distinction matters less than it might, since the harsh stance is the subject.

Before you start. The advice on depression is from the NHS page "Depression in adults, symptoms". The Samaritans' number is 116 123.

Chapter 2. Koestner, Zuroff and Powers, "Family origins of adolescent self-criticism and its continuity into adulthood", Journal of Abnormal Psychology 100, 1991, pages 191 to 197. The parenting reports came from mothers only. For the men in the study, self-criticism at twelve didn't predict self-criticism at thirty-one, which the chapter doesn't mention. The NHS wording is from the page "Raising low self-esteem". That a toddler doesn't treat a dropped cup as shameful, and that the commentary often uses a remembered adult's phrasing, are my observations.

Chapter 3. Powers, Koestner, Zuroff, Milyavskaya and Gorin, "The effects of self-criticism and self-oriented perfectionism on goal pursuit", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 37, 2011, pages 964 to 975. That the areas studied included academic work, weight loss and music is from my memory of the paper. The summary says only that the five studies covered a variety of domains. The explanation in terms of avoidance, and the comparison with a bullying manager, are mine.

Chapter 4. Leary, Tate, Adams, Allen and Hancock, "Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: the implications of treating oneself kindly", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92, 2007, pages 887 to 904. The finding on videotaped performances is from the fourth of five studies. That the task was making up a children's story is from my memory of the paper.

Chapter 5. Neff's account of seeing one's failings as part of common human experience is set out in Neff, "Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself", Self and Identity 2, 2003, pages 85 to 101, which I've described from general knowledge. The argument about inside information is mine.

Chapter 6. Leary and colleagues as above, the fifth study. My description of the exercise is from memory of the paper. Zhang and Chen, "Self-compassion promotes personal improvement from regret experiences via acceptance", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 42, 2016, pages 244 to 258. The improvement in the third study was reported by the participants themselves. Related experiments by Breines and Chen in 2012 are described in other books in this series and aren't repeated here.

Chapter 7. Neff, Hsieh and Dejitterat, "Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure", Self and Identity 4, 2005, pages 263 to 287. There were 222 students in the first study and 110 in the second. Kinder students in the second study were also more likely to use what the authors call emotion-focused coping. That self-kind people would work as hard without the fear is my expectation.

Chapter 8. Gilbert, Clarke, Hempel, Miles and Irons, "Criticizing and reassuring oneself: an exploration of forms, styles and reasons in female students", British Journal of Clinical Psychology 43, 2004, pages 31 to 50. All the participants were women students. The four marks that tell correction from attack are mine.

Chapter 11. Gilbert, McEwan, Matos and Rivis, "Fears of compassion: development of three self-report measures", Psychology and Psychotherapy 84, 2011, pages 239 to 255. The examples of what the questionnaire asks are from my memory of it. Sirois, Kitner and Hirsch, "Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors", Health Psychology 34, 2015, pages 661 to 669. The average correlation was 0.25, and the samples were the authors' own.

Chapter 13. MacBeth and Gumley, "Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology", Clinical Psychology Review 32, 2012, pages 545 to 552. The pooled correlation was minus 0.54. Gilbert and colleagues 2011 as above.

Chapter 15. The NHS advice is from "Raising low self-esteem". Kross, Bruehlman-Senecal, Park, Burson, Dougherty, Shablack, Bremner, Moser and Ayduk, "Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: how you do it matters", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 106, 2014, pages 304 to 324. The example sentence about Sarah is mine. The studies were about stress before and after social tasks, and applying the technique to self-criticism after a mistake is my step.

Chapter 16. Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119. The rule and its parts haven't been tested together, and what I say to expect is my expectation and not a finding. Trials of programmes that teach self-compassion have been pooled by Ferrari and colleagues in the journal Mindfulness in 2019. I couldn't obtain a summary and so haven't relied on it.

Chapter 17. The therapy I have in mind in the last section is compassion-focused therapy, developed by Paul Gilbert, along with cognitive behavioural therapy. Availability varies by area. The book on perfectionism is "Good enough went out on time".