You wouldn't say it to a friendConfidence

unbry

You wouldn't say it to a friend

A short book about running yourself down in private as a way of keeping yourself in line

20 chapters11,775 wordsAbout 54 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. When you get something wrong, and often when you haven't, you…2 min
1Wednesday, twenty-five past eightIt's twenty-five past eight on a Wednesday morning and you've just parked at work. You reach into your bag for your pass and your fingers find a folded…3 min
2Where the commentary comes fromIf the tally was high and the words were ugly, the commentary probably had something to say about that too. You're so hard on yourself, it may have said…2 min
3"It keeps me in line"This is the belief that holds the rest in place. You may dislike the commentary, but you think you need it. It's your quality control. You're a bit lazy…3 min
4"I'm only being honest with myself"You may grant that the commentary is unpleasant and still hold that it's accurate. Other people flatter you, or don't know you well enough. You know the…2 min
5"But I know what I'm really like"The double standard has a defence, and you may have been rehearsing it since chapter 1. Anna is different. When Anna forgot the dentist, it was an honest…2 min
6"If I went easy on myself, I'd never improve"This is the fear at the bottom of it. Suppose you stopped. Suppose that when you got something wrong you spoke to yourself as you spoke to Anna. You think…3 min
7"Fear of failing is what gets me going"There's a version of the discipline story that survives the last few chapters. You might accept that attacking yourself after a failure doesn't help.…2 min
8Correction and attackSo far I've talked as if self-criticism were one thing. The distinction this book depends on is between two things that travel under the same name, and…2 min
9"I deserve it"Sometimes the commentary presents itself as justice. You did wrong, and wrongdoers should suffer. To let yourself off would be to cheat. The feeling is…2 min
10"Better I say it before someone else does"Part of the commentary's appeal is that it feels like armour. If you've already told yourself that the presentation was poor, nobody else's verdict can…2 min
11"Being kind to yourself is soft"When people are advised to be kinder to themselves, many feel a kind of recoil. It sounds indulgent. It brings to mind scented candles and bubble baths.…2 min
12"It's only in my head"You might accept most of this and still feel it doesn't matter much. It's only thoughts. Nobody's hurt. You say a few harsh things to yourself and get on…2 min
13What the commentary costs youThe last several chapters took the beliefs one at a time. This one adds up the bill. You're paying in mood and in mental health. Angus MacBeth and Andrew…2 min
14What it costs the people around youA private habit of mind seems to affect nobody else. But the commentary gets out in several ways. The first is that you say some of it aloud. "I'm so…2 min
15The friend testThe method this book recommends is contained in its title. When you've got something wrong and the commentary starts, you ask one question. What would I…4 min
16The decisionHere's the rule I'm suggesting. When I've got something wrong, I talk to myself the way I'd talk to a friend who'd done the same. I say what happened and…3 min
17Big mistakes, old voices and other hard casesIf you've really done something bad. Sometimes the mistake is more than a late form. Perhaps you betrayed a confidence, or neglected someone who needed…4 min
18Wednesday againIt's a Wednesday some months on, at twenty-five past eight, and you're in the car park at work. You reach into your bag for your pass and find an…3 min
·NotesThis book gives general information. It isn't psychological or medical advice, and it's no substitute for a professional who knows your situation. NHS…4 min