Notes
This book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't medical or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a GP or a therapist who knows you. The NHS guidance I mention is for England as I found it in September 2026.
I've kept sources out of the chapters where I could so they read easily. Here they are by chapter, with the limits I'm aware of. Unless I say otherwise, I read the published summary of each paper and not the full text. I checked each paper for a retraction or correction notice in September 2026 and found none. Where a chapter isn't listed, it rests on my own reasoning. That includes chapters 1, 2, 9, 10, 11, 16, 19, 20, 21, 25 and 26. The manager, the two-line email, the partner, the friend and the neighbour at number four are invented.
Before you start. The NHS page "Social anxiety (social phobia)", for the description of the condition, the advice to see a GP and the self-referral route. The domestic abuse helpline number is from the NHS pages on getting help.
Chapter 3. Fenigstein, "Self-consciousness and the overperception of self as a target", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 47, 1984, pages 860 to 870. Three studies with 233 students. The account of position as the reason for the bias is mine.
Chapter 4. Epley, Keysar, Van Boven and Gilovich, "Perspective taking as egocentric anchoring and adjustment", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 87, 2004, pages 327 to 339. Five studies. Gilovich, Savitsky and Medvec, "The illusion of transparency: biased assessments of others' ability to read one's emotional states", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75, 1998, pages 332 to 346, used in several earlier books in this series and mentioned here in passing. The claim that the reading is your own state adjusted a little is my reading of Epley's findings.
Chapter 5. Gilbert and Malone, "The correspondence bias", Psychological Bulletin 117, 1995, pages 21 to 38. A review. Story and Repetti, "Daily occupational stressors and marital behavior", Journal of Family Psychology 20, 2006, pages 690 to 700. Forty-three couples over five days, which the chapter says is small.
Chapter 6. Fenigstein as above. The account of the search finding the offence backwards is mine.
Chapter 7. Fenigstein as above, for the group study. The claim that a braced face changes a room is mine.
Chapter 8. Downey and Feldman, "Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 70, 1996, pages 1327 to 1343. Four studies. The chapter's contrast between the reading and insurance is mine.
Chapter 12. Kross, Ayduk and Mischel, "When asking 'why' does not hurt: distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions", Psychological Science 16, 2005, pages 709 to 715, as verified for an earlier book in this series, It's already over, which covers going over things at length. The claim that no new information arrives during the evening is mine.
Chapter 13. Savitsky, Epley and Gilovich, "Do others judge us as harshly as we think? Overestimating the impact of our failures on others' judgments", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 81, 2001, pages 44 to 56, as verified for an earlier book in this series. The distinction between the check and reassurance seeking is mine.
Chapter 14. Story and Repetti as above, for the bad day arriving at home. The sample argument is mine.
Chapter 15. Downey and Feldman as above, for intentional rejection perceived in ambiguous behaviour. The effort test for intent is mine.
Chapter 17. Downey and Feldman as above, for the dissatisfaction and its mechanisms. The rest is mine.
Chapter 18. Everything in the chapter is my reasoning.
Chapter 22. Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119. The rule hasn't been tested as a package, and what I say to expect is my expectation and not a finding.
Chapter 23. The NHS page "Social anxiety (social phobia)" as above. Downey and Feldman as above. The helpline as above. The earlier book on expecting others to read your needs is They can't read your mind.
Chapter 24. Fenigstein and Downey and Feldman as above. The rest is mine.