It wasn't about youCalm

unbry

It wasn't about you

A short book about taking other people's moods and remarks personally

28 chapters11,567 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. Someone near you is quiet, or short, or slow to reply, or gives…2 min
1The short emailAt ten past two your manager replies to the report you sent this morning. Two lines. "Thanks. Let's discuss Thursday." No comment on the work, no thanks…2 min
2Why the reading seems rightBefore I argue with the reading, I want to say what it does for you, because it isn't nothing and you're not a fool for making it. Sometimes it is about…2 min
3"It was obviously aimed at me"Start with the belief that arrives as a fact. The short email was aimed at you. The quiet was directed at you. It wasn't a guess. It was obvious. Allan…2 min
4"I can tell what they're thinking"The reading comes with a picture of the other person's mind. Your manager is thinking the report was weak. Your partner is thinking about the bins. You…2 min
5"Why else would they be like that?"Here's the question the reading always wins. If it's not about me, what is it about? Your partner was fine this morning. Your manager usually writes more.…2 min
6"I must have done something"Once the reading has arrived, the search begins. What did I do? You go back through the day, and then the week, looking for the offence, and you find it.…2 min
7"I can feel the atmosphere change when I walk in"Some readings are about a room rather than a person. You walk into the kitchen and the conversation stops. You join the table at lunch and the laughter…2 min
8"If I stop, I'll miss it when it is about me"This is the fear that keeps the reading in place, and it's a reasonable one. If you stop reading the moods, you'll walk into Thursday's meeting…2 min
9"I'm just sensitive"Some readers will say that this is just who they are. They pick things up. They notice the shift in a voice, the half-second before a reply, the look that…2 min
10"They should have said if it wasn't about me"There's a complaint under some readings, and it's aimed at the other person. If the quiet wasn't about you, they could have said so. A word at the door.…1 min
11"But they were rude"Sometimes the remark really was sharp. The email wasn't just short, it was curt. The tone at dinner wasn't just quiet, it had an edge. You're not…2 min
12"I go over it to work out what they meant"The evening has a justification, and it's that you're thinking it through. Replaying the email, the tone, the look, turning it over to work out what they…2 min
13"Asking would be needy"The check is the obvious answer, and there's a reason you don't do it. Asking seems needy. "Is everything all right?" sounds like a person who needs…2 min
14"It's always me they're like this with"Here's a belief that feels like evidence. They're not like this with other people. With their friends they're warm. With you they're short. So it must be…2 min
15"They did it on purpose"The strongest readings have intent in them. The email wasn't merely about you. It was meant to land as it did. The two lines were chosen. The quiet at…1 min
16"I'll just be extra nice to make up for it"There's a response to the reading that looks like kindness and isn't quite. Once you've concluded that the mood is about you, you set about repairing it.…2 min
17What the reading costs youI've argued the mechanism. This chapter is the bill. The evenings. Four hours on a two-line email. An evening on a quiet dinner. An hour on a cheerful…2 min
18What it does to themThe reading is silent, and it feels as though it costs no one but you. It doesn't. Living with someone who takes moods personally means learning to manage…2 min
19The other accountThe next three chapters are the method. This one is the habit that does most of the work, and it takes about a minute. Write the reading down. When you…2 min
20The checkSometimes the other account isn't enough, because it matters. Thursday matters. The dinner matters. You need to know, and there's one way to know, and it…2 min
21Leaving itMost readings can't be checked and don't need to be. The neighbour who didn't wave. The stranger's look. The colleague on another floor who seemed short…2 min
22The decisionYou've got the argument and the method. What's left is to decide, and I'd like the decision to be one sentence. When I take something personally, I write…2 min
23Partners, managers, friends who go quiet, strangers and when it's more than a habitThe rule holds everywhere. A few situations need their own paragraph. Partners. This is where the reading runs most and where the check is easiest and…2 min
24When it was about youSometimes the check comes back the other way. "Actually, yes. I was annoyed about the plan." The report did have a problem. The friend had been hurt by…2 min
25When you've spent the evening on it againIt'll happen. A message will land at nine at night and you'll be three hours into the reading before you remember there's a method. Or you'll do the other…2 min
26The short email, againAt ten past two your manager replies to the report. Two lines. "Thanks. Let's discuss Thursday." You read it once. The reading arrives, as it always will…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't medical or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a GP or a therapist who…3 min