"At least I always say sorry"

You do, and it's to your credit. Some parents never do. You go in at bedtime, or the next morning, and say you're sorry you shouted, and you mean it, and your child says it's OK, and you both feel a little better.

I want to keep the apology, because chapter 20 will argue it's the most important thing in this book. But I want to look at what a repeated apology teaches, because it isn't only what you intend.

An apology has a promise in it. "I'm sorry I shouted" carries "and I'll try not to." When it's followed by the same shout on Thursday, and the same apology on Thursday night, the child learns that the promise doesn't bind. After enough cycles, "sorry" becomes the sound the evening makes when it's over, rather than a change in anything. Children are quick to learn this, and some come to say "it's OK" in a flat voice that should worry you more than tears would.

There's a second thing. If the apology is what makes you feel better, it can become the thing that lets the shouting continue. The regret is discharged at bedtime, and by morning you've been forgiven, and the pressure that might have driven a change has been released. I've seen this pattern in adults with each other, and it's my observation rather than a finding, but I think it applies here. An apology that comes with no change is a way of managing your own feelings, paid for by the child having to grant it.

So what makes an apology worth something? It's short. It names the thing. It doesn't put any of it on the child, so there's no "but you weren't listening". It asks nothing of them, not even forgiveness. And it's rare, because the shouting is rare, so it still means something when it comes. Chapter 20 gives a form of words.

The apology also matters for a reason beyond the child. It's how you teach them what adults do when they've got something wrong. A child who's seen a parent shout and then, an hour later, come back and say plainly that they were wrong has learned that mistakes can be owned and put right. That's a good lesson and it's worth a great deal. It's just not worth enough to cover a shout a week, because at that rate the lesson turns into a different one, which is that sorry is what you say instead of changing.

Keep the apology. Make it real by making it rare.