Not in front of the childrenCalm

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Not in front of the children

A short book about shouting at your kids, regretting it by bedtime, and doing it again on Thursday

25 chapters11,868 wordsAbout 54 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. You ask your child to do something. You ask again. You ask a…2 min
1Tuesday, ten past sixIt's ten past six on a Tuesday evening. Tea is nearly ready and you've asked your eight-year-old to put the tablet down and lay the table. You said it…3 min
2Why shouting seems sensibleI don't want to start by telling you that shouting is bad for children. You know that, you've read it, and it's the reason for the regret. It hasn't…2 min
3"It's the only thing that works"Start here, because it's true, and because it's the truth that keeps the habit going. The shout works. If it didn't, you'd have stopped years ago. There's…2 min
4"They don't listen until I shout"This is the same fact from the other side, and it's worth a chapter because it's said as a complaint about the child when it's a description of the…2 min
5"They need to know I mean it"There's a belief that volume conveys seriousness. A quiet ask can be taken or left. A shouted one means business. If you don't raise your voice, how will…2 min
6"I tried being calm and it didn't work"You may have been here before. A book, or a friend, or your own regret told you to stay calm, and for a fortnight you did. You asked nicely, and nicely…2 min
7"Everyone shouts at their kids"You've seen it at the school gate and heard it through the wall. Every parent shouts. It's part of having children, and a book that treated it as a…2 min
8"I was shouted at and I'm fine"Most of us were. And most of us are fine, in the sense of having jobs and relationships and no obvious damage. The argument is that since you survived it…2 min
9"They know I love them anyway"This is the belief that lets the regret pass by morning. You shout, but you also cuddle, read to them, turn up to everything and tell them daily that you…2 min
10"It's them, they're impossible"Some evenings you'd defend yourself. It isn't that you have a temper. It's that they're impossible at six o'clock. They whine, they ignore, they fight…2 min
11"They shout at me too"Some readers have a child who gives as good as they get. You ask, they ignore, you ask louder, they shout "I SAID IN A MINUTE," and now there are two…2 min
12"I can't help it, it just comes out"The shout can feel like something that happens to you. One moment you're asking about shoes, the next you're shouting, and there was no decision in…2 min
13"At least I always say sorry"You do, and it's to your credit. Some parents never do. You go in at bedtime, or the next morning, and say you're sorry you shouted, and you mean it, and…2 min
14"A bit of fear keeps them in line"Not everyone will say this out loud, but a good many parents believe it. Children need to be a little afraid of you. Not terrified, but wary. It's what…2 min
15"It's always the same three times of day"If you did the exercise in chapter 1, your list has times on it, and I'd expect the times to cluster. Before school. The hour before tea. Bedtime. Perhaps…2 min
16What the shouting costsYou may think of the habit as costing a bad evening now and again, followed by a bad feeling at bedtime. I think it costs more, and most of this chapter…2 min
17The quiet askThe first practical step is to replace the ladder with one instruction that's built to be heard. Everything in this chapter is my own method, and the…2 min
18Following it throughThe quiet ask works because something happens after it. This chapter is about the something. It's my own suggestion, and it draws on the NHS advice about…2 min
19Catching it earlyThe quiet ask and the follow-through take most of the shouting out of the week. This chapter is for the rest, the evenings when you're depleted and the…2 min
20Putting it rightYou'll shout. Not as often, but you will, because you're a person at the end of a day. What happens after is the part of this book I'd most like you to…2 min
21The decisionThis chapter asks you to decide something. It comes late because at the start it would have sounded like the advice you've always been given, which is to…3 min
22Teenagers, toddlers, the other parent and when it's more than shoutingWhen they're teenagers. Wang and Kenny's study is about thirteen-year-olds, and it's the age at which the shout does the most measurable harm and works…3 min
23Thursday, ten past sixIt's ten past six on a Thursday evening, some weeks on. Tea is ten minutes off. The tablet went off at a quarter to six because the timer said so, and…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't medical advice or a parenting programme, and it's no substitute for a health…4 min