unbry

Ring them first

No reply, busy friends and starting from nothing

Chapter 14 · 4 min read

The rule is simple to follow. Some situations make it harder, and I should be plain about them.

No reply. You sent a warm message and a week has gone by with nothing. The loop from chapter 8 will offer you an explanation at once, and it will be the unkind one. Here are the more likely ones. They saw it at a bad moment, meant to reply properly, and it slid down the screen. Your number isn't in their new phone. They're in the middle of something hard that you don't know about. The message embarrassed them slightly because they feel bad about the gap, and they're putting off answering for exactly the reasons you put off writing. None of these is about you. My suggestion is a rule of two. Wait three or four weeks, then send one more message, light and with no reproach in it. "Thinking of you again. No pressure at all, but the coffee offer stands." If that gets nothing either, let it rest, without a grudge and without deleting the number. You've done what could be done. Some of these come back to life a year later when the other person's circumstances change. And you've lost nothing you had.

The friend who's always busy. They reply warmly, they'd love to meet, and they can never do any date. After a third "this month is mad", it's tempting to read it as a brush-off. Sometimes it is. More often they're disorganised, or overwhelmed, or have small children. Make it as easy as it can be made. Offer to come to them. Offer forty minutes. Offer to join something they're already doing, like the walk to the park with the pram. If everything fails, fall back on the phone, which asks less. And apply the test from chapter 5. If they seem glad and would see you if they could, that counts for something.

The one-sided friendship. Chapter 5 promised a limit. If you've made the first move several times, and the replies are short, the plans always fall through from their end, and they show little interest when you do meet, then accept what that shows you. You needn't make an announcement or have a falling-out over it. Put your effort where it's returned. It's one of the benefits of making first moves freely. You find out quite quickly which friendships are alive, and you stop wondering about the rest.

Starting from nothing. Some readers have few names to ring. You may have moved for work, or been widowed, or given years to caring for someone. Retirement may have taken the daily contact away, or your old friendships may have belonged to a marriage that ended. The rule can't produce names that aren't there. Weak ties matter most here, along with Hall's finding that friendship is made of hours. You need settings where the same people turn up repeatedly, so that hours can build up. A weekly class, a choir, a walking group or a regular volunteering shift would do it. One-off events rarely work, because you meet people once and never again. The NHS suggests joining a group or class built around something you enjoy, and says you could ask to go along and just watch the first time if you're nervous. It also suggests volunteering, and it describes something called social prescribing. Your GP may be able to refer you to a link worker whose job is to help you find local groups and support. That's worth asking about, especially if you don't know where to start.

Lapses. You'll have weeks when you go quiet again. A bad patch at work, a cold, a dip in mood, and the thoughts of people come and go without a message. This proves nothing about you or the rule. The loop in chapter 8 is strongest when you're tired or low, and those are the weeks it wins. When you notice, don't try to make up for lost time. Do the three-minute warm-up and send one message. Then you're following the rule again.

When a book isn't enough. Please talk to a GP, or in England refer yourself to NHS talking therapies, if any of these sounds like you.

  • You've had a low mood for more than two weeks, or you're struggling to cope. That's the NHS's own threshold for seeking help.
  • The fear of contact is general and strong, so that phone calls, conversations and being observed all bring dread. That may be social anxiety, which the NHS says often doesn't go away without treatment.
  • The loneliness follows a bereavement and isn't easing.
  • You're having thoughts of harming yourself. Get help the same day, through NHS 111, an urgent GP appointment, or 999 in an emergency.

The research on reducing loneliness in chapter 8 found that the approaches which worked best were those that addressed people's habits of thought. Therapists know how to do that. If you can't shift the loop alone, that's a good reason to get help with it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.