Before you start

This is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. There are people you like and would be glad to see. You think of them now and then. You don't get in touch, because it's been a while, or it's their turn, or they're probably busy, or if they wanted to hear from you they'd have rung. So you wait. The weeks go by quietly, and after enough of them the quiet stops feeling like a gap and becomes how life is.

I'm going to argue three things. The first is that the waiting makes sense from the inside. It protects you from feeling like a nuisance and from the chance of a cool reply, and those are real worries. The second is that the waiting rests on a misreading. The other person's silence feels like information about how they see you. It's nearly always the same hesitation you have, and they're on their sofa reading your silence the same way. Researchers have measured how much people appreciate being contacted, and it's more than the person making contact expects, by a wide and consistent margin. The third is practical. One small rule changes most of it. When you think of someone, you get in touch that day. Chapters 12 and 13 cover what to say and how to make it a habit.

A few things this book isn't. It isn't a case for being more sociable than you'd like to be. If you enjoy your own company and have as much contact as you want, chapter 9 says plainly that you don't have the habit. It doesn't suggest you should chase people who've treated you badly either. If you ended a relationship for a good reason, nothing here asks you to reopen it.

Three cautions.

If you've been low for more than a couple of weeks, with little energy or interest in anything, the withdrawal may be part of depression and not a habit standing alone. The NHS advises seeing a GP if you've had a low mood for more than two weeks, and in England you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies. Chapter 14 says more.

If the thought of any social contact fills you with dread, so that phone calls, conversations and being looked at are all frightening, that may be social anxiety. It's common and treatable, and a GP is the place to start.

And if you're isolated by circumstances more than by habit, this book will help less. You may be caring for someone round the clock, or housebound, or new to a country. You may not have many names to ring. Chapter 14 points to some places to start, including a route through your GP.

The notes at the back give the studies I've relied on and their limits. Where I'm giving my own reasoning and not a finding, I'll say so.