Ring them firstConfidence

unbry

Ring them first

A short book about waiting for other people to get in touch, while loneliness settles in as normal

17 chapters11,560 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. There are people you like and would be glad to see. You think of…2 min
1The name in the listIt's Sunday afternoon, about four, and you're on your phone. You're looking for a plumber's number, and on the way down the list your thumb passes a name.…3 min
2Why waiting feels rightThe wait isn't laziness, and it isn't coldness. If it were, this would be a different book. People who wait are often the most considerate people in any…2 min
3"If they wanted to see me, they'd ring"Start with the argument from evidence, because it seems the most hard-headed. People do what they want. They haven't rung, and you draw the conclusion…3 min
4"I'd only be bothering them"The kindest-sounding reason for waiting is that your message would be an imposition. They're busy. You'd be one more notification. Better to leave them…3 min
5"It's their turn"Somewhere in your head there's a tally. You might not admit to keeping one, but you could tell me, for most of your friends, who got in touch last and who…3 min
6"It's been too long"There's a point in every lapsed friendship where the gap itself becomes the obstacle. At two months you could have sent "lunch next week?" and it would…3 min
7What the wait protects you fromOf the four reasons in chapter 2, the last was protection, and it's the one people are least likely to say out loud. While you don't get in touch, nothing…3 min
8How the quiet keeps itself goingUp to now I've written as if the wait were a series of separate decisions, made name by name. It doesn't stay that way. When the wait has gone on long…4 min
9"I'm fine on my own"Some readers will have bristled at the last chapter. You like your own company. You find people tiring. A weekend with no plans is your idea of a good…3 min
10The man in the paper shopSo far this book has been about friends, the people whose names are in your phone. There's another kind of contact that people in the quiet tend to…3 min
11A voice does more than a thumbs upYou might say that you are in touch with people, in a way. You see their photographs. You put a heart on the picture of the new kitchen and a laughing…3 min
12What to sayPeople stall at this point. They're persuaded, they open the conversation, and then they stare at the empty box for ten minutes and close it again. So…3 min
13The decisionUp to now I've asked you to notice things and perhaps to speak to the man in the paper shop. This chapter asks you to decide something. It comes this late…4 min
14No reply, busy friends and starting from nothingThe rule is simple to follow. Some situations make it harder, and I should be plain about them. No reply. You sent a warm message and a week has gone by…4 min
15The name in the list againHere's the scene from chapter 1 again. It's an example of how it might go, and I'm not promising it. It's Sunday afternoon, about four. You're looking for…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information. It isn't medical or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a doctor or therapist who knows your situation.…4 min

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