Health scares, money, marriages, mistakes at work, children and when to get professional help

The rule holds for every worry. Some kinds need a paragraph, because the listener isn't always enough.

Health scares. Tell someone before the result, not after. The fortnight is the hard part, and it's the part company helps with. Ask them to come to the appointment if you'd like that. And if the worry is a symptom you haven't taken to a GP, the listener's job is to make you book it, and yours is to book it. An earlier book in this series is about putting off the doctor.

Money. Tell the co-owner first, because a joint account is theirs. Then, if the numbers don't work, tell a debt adviser, who is a professional listener with tools. StepChange, Citizens Advice and National Debtline are free and confidential, and the letter in the drawer is exactly what they exist for. A month of arithmetic at three in the morning can be replaced by one phone call.

Marriages. If the worry is the marriage, the co-owner is also the subject, and that's a different conversation from the telling in this book. Tell a friend first, one who's on your side and not on a side. Then the earlier book on raising a difficulty with the person it's about is the one to read. Relationship counselling exists and isn't a last resort.

Mistakes at work. Bruk's finding in chapter 10 is the one to hold. Owning a mistake early looks, from outside, like competence. Tell a trusted colleague first if you need to rehearse, and then tell the person who needs to know, this week, before it's found. The conversation is worse every day it's delayed and never as bad as the private version.

Children. If the worry is your child, the co-owner is the other parent, and the school is often the next listener, because they see the child for six hours a day and may already know something. If the worry is the child's safety, from anyone, that's not a friend's job. Tell the police or social services. If the worry is the child's mental health, the GP and the school are the routes, and telling them is not overreacting.

When the worry is about you. If the low mood has lasted two weeks, or the worry has become a constant anxiety about everything, or you've had thoughts of harming yourself, the listener is still worth telling and isn't enough. See a GP. In England you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies. Samaritans are on 116 123 at any hour, and 111 is there for urgent help. The friend can sit with you while you make the call, and that's a good request.

The person who can't be told. Some worries are secrets that involve someone else's confidence, or that would harm someone to disclose. The rule still asks that one person knows, and the person can be a professional, a counsellor or a GP or a helpline, who is bound to keep it. Carrying it alone isn't the only alternative to telling a friend.