Tell someoneConfidence

unbry

Tell someone

A short book about carrying a heavy worry alone because you think talking would burden people

28 chapters11,834 wordsAbout 54 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. There's something heavy on your mind, a result you're waiting…2 min
1The thing you haven't saidThere's a letter from the bank in the kitchen drawer that you've read four times. The number in it is one you can't make work, and you've been moving…2 min
2Why carrying it seems rightI want to be fair to carrying it before I argue against it, because the reasons aren't foolish and the people who carry things alone are usually the kind…2 min
3"They've got enough on their plate"Start with the belief that does most of the work, because there's research that measures it and the measurement is one-sided. Xuan Zhao and Nicholas…2 min
4"It would burden them"There's a version of the belief that isn't about their capacity but about the telling itself. Whatever their plate, the worry is heavy, and handing a…2 min
5"I should be able to cope with this myself"This is the belief that makes carrying it feel like strength. Other people tell. You cope. The difference is character. I'd like to look at what carrying…2 min
6"Saying it out loud makes it real"Now the fear that lives under the others, and I'd like to take it seriously, because it's a fear about magic and it feels like one. The result is unknown.…2 min
7"I go over it enough on my own"You might say you don't need to tell anyone because you think about it plenty. You've turned it over. You've considered the angles. Thinking is…2 min
8"I've read up on it, I don't need to talk"There's a modern version of carrying it alone, and it feels like the opposite. You've researched the worry. You've read every page about the scan, the…2 min
9"I'll tell them when I know more"Here's a belief that sounds responsible. You'll tell them once you know. Once the result's in, once you've worked out the numbers, once you've decided…2 min
10"They'll think less of me"Some worries are about things you did. The mistake in the spreadsheet. The debt that was your doing. The row that started the quiet in the marriage. For…2 min
11"They can't do anything about it anyway"This is the belief that makes telling seem pointless rather than costly. Your sister can't change the scan result. Your friend can't pay the bank. What…2 min
12"I don't want to be the one who's always got a problem"Here's an objection I want to give its full weight, because it has something true in it. You know people who always have a problem. Every conversation is…2 min
13"They'll take it over"Some readers hold back for a reason that isn't about burden at all. It's about control. Tell your mother about the scan and she'll ring every day. Tell…2 min
14"I don't know how to start"For some readers everything above is agreed, and the thing that stops them is the first sentence. How do you begin a conversation like that? At what…2 min
15"It's their worry too, I'm protecting them"Some worries have a co-owner. The bank letter is about the joint account. The quiet marriage is your partner's marriage too. The son is their son. And…2 min
16"Last time I told someone it went badly"You may have tried this before. You told someone and they made it about themselves, or gave advice you didn't want, or said "I'm sure it's nothing", or…2 min
17"It's not how I was brought up"A lot of readers will recognise the habit from a house. Nobody in your family talked about things. Worries were carried, quietly, and you found out about…2 min
18What carrying it costs youI've argued the mechanism. This chapter is the bill, and it's paid mostly at night. The wander. Slepian's participants whose minds went most often to…2 min
19What it does to themThe burden belief says the people around you are protected by your silence. This chapter is about what they're actually living in. They know something's…2 min
20Choose the listenerThe next three chapters are the method, and the method is one conversation. This chapter is about who it's with. One person. Not everyone, not the group…2 min
21Say it in one sittingYou've chosen the person. This chapter is the conversation, and it has a shape you can follow. Open with the sentence. "I've been carrying something and…2 min
22Let them helpThe telling has happened. This chapter is what comes after, and it's the part people who carry things alone are worst at, because it's the part where help…2 min
23The decisionYou've got the argument and the method. What's left is to decide, and I'd like the decision to fit in one sentence. When I've carried a worry for more…2 min
24Health scares, money, marriages, mistakes at work, children and when to get professional helpThe rule holds for every worry. Some kinds need a paragraph, because the listener isn't always enough. Health scares. Tell someone before the result, not…2 min
25When you've carried it another monthIt'll happen. You'll read this book, agree with it, choose the listener, and not send the message. A month later the worry will still be in the drawer and…2 min
26The thing you've saidYou told your sister on a Tuesday, on a walk, because the walk was where the silences could go. You said the sentence, and she stopped, and you said the…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't medical, financial or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a GP, a debt…3 min