Notes
This book gives general information about an everyday habit. It isn't medical, financial or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a GP, a debt adviser or a therapist who knows you. The services I mention are for England as I found them in September 2026.
I've kept sources out of the chapters where I could so they read easily. Here they are by chapter, with the limits I'm aware of. Unless I say otherwise, I read the published summary of each paper and not the full text. I checked each paper for a retraction or correction notice in September 2026 and found none. Where a chapter isn't listed, it rests on my own reasoning. That includes chapters 1, 2, 9, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 20, 21, 22, 25 and 26. The scan, the letter, the marriage, the son and the spreadsheet are invented.
Before you start. The Samaritans number, the 111 line and the self-referral route are from the NHS pages on stress and on depression, as verified for earlier books in this series.
Chapter 3. Zhao and Epley, "Surprisingly happy to have helped: underestimating prosociality creates a misplaced barrier to asking for help", Psychological Science 33, 2022, pages 1708 to 1731. American adults. Flynn and Lake, "If you need help, just ask: underestimating compliance with direct requests for help", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95, 2008, pages 128 to 143. Both are used in the earlier book Could you hold the ladder, about asking for practical help. The extension from asking for help to disclosing a worry is mine.
Chapter 4. Kardas, Kumar and Epley, "Overly shallow? Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 122, 2022, pages 367 to 398. Mostly conversations between strangers, and the finding that predictions were more accurate with close others is stated as a limit. Used in the earlier book Ring them first. The account of being told as trust is mine.
Chapter 5. Slepian, Chun and Mason, "The experience of secrecy", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113, 2017, pages 1 to 33. Ten studies, over 13,000 secrets. The word "wander" for the mind returning to a secret follows their term "mind-wandering to secrets". The claim that carrying isn't coping is mine.
Chapter 6. Lepore, Ragan and Jones, "Talking facilitates cognitive-emotional processes of adaptation to an acute stressor", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 78, 2000, pages 499 to 508. Two hundred and fifty-six students and a distressing film, which the chapter says. The account of the private version's size is mine.
Chapter 7. Slepian and colleagues as above. Frattaroli, "Experimental disclosure and its moderators: a meta-analysis", Psychological Bulletin 132, 2006, pages 823 to 865, with an effect size of .075, described as small, and used in two earlier books in this series. Lepore and colleagues as above.
Chapter 8. Slepian and colleagues, and Lepore and colleagues, as above. The reading of searching as the wander with a screen is mine.
Chapter 10. Bruk, Scholl and Bless, "Beautiful mess effect: self-other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 115, 2018, pages 192 to 205. Seven studies including one real-life situation.
Chapter 11. Lepore and colleagues, and Zhao and Epley, as above. The three things a listener does are my description.
Chapter 12. Coyne, "Depression and the response of others", Journal of Abnormal Psychology 85, 1976, pages 186 to 193. I haven't read this paper. It's named as the source of a long tradition of research on how sustained distress affects those around it, and no finding or figure is attributed to it. Kardas and colleagues as above. The distinction between telling and venting is mine.
Chapter 16. Lepore and colleagues as above, for the dismissive listener.
Chapter 18. Slepian and colleagues as above. The rest is mine.
Chapter 23. Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119. The rule hasn't been tested as a package, and what I say to expect is my expectation and not a finding.
Chapter 24. The NHS pages on stress and depression as above. StepChange, Citizens Advice and National Debtline are named on the NHS page on financial worries, as verified for earlier books. The earlier book on putting off the doctor is Get it looked at. The earlier book on raising a difficulty with the person it's about is Say it this week. Bruk and colleagues as above.