They meant well, probablyCalm

unbry

They meant well, probably

A short book about deciding that other people's clumsy behaviour was aimed at you

25 chapters9,529 wordsAbout 43 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit, and the habit is a sentence. Somebody does something clumsy, a…2 min
1The message with no replyYou sent a message on Tuesday. It was a normal message, a question about a plan, or a link you thought they'd like, or a photo of something. It's…2 min
2Why the charge feels like insightThe charge doesn't feel like a guess. It feels like seeing clearly. It feels like the moment you stopped being naive about someone. And it's worth being…1 min
3"I know what that was about"The belief under the whole habit is that you can read motives from acts. The colleague talked over you, so the colleague wanted to talk over you. The…2 min
4"I'd never do that"The charge survives because of a comparison you don't notice making. They didn't reply for two days, and you think, I'd never leave someone hanging like…2 min
5"The tone was obvious"Written slips are the worst, because they arrive with no face and no voice and you supply both. "Please send the figures by Friday." Read it in a flat…2 min
6"If they cared they'd have replied"The unanswered message is the slip people carry longest, so it deserves its own chapter. The charge runs like this. They've read it, they've had two days…2 min
7"It's a pattern with them"This is the honest objection, and it's sometimes right. One interruption is a slip. Ten from the same colleague, always when you're speaking and never…2 min
8"Being suspicious keeps me safe"Underneath the habit is a belief about safety. If you assume the worst, you can't be blindsided. People who take things at face value get used, and you'd…2 min
9"I'm just being realistic"Realism sounds like a defence, so let's take it seriously. Being realistic means matching your beliefs to how things usually are. So the question is what…2 min
10"They should have known"Some charges aren't about malice. They're about a failure of care. They didn't mean it, but they should have known it would land badly. A thoughtful…2 min
11"Giving the benefit of the doubt makes me a doormat"Here's the fear that keeps the habit going even in people who can see it's mostly wrong. If I stop charging, I'll let everything go. People will walk over…2 min
12"I can't help what I think"Fair enough, and partly true. The charge arrives before you've decided anything. You don't choose to think "they're ignoring me" any more than you choose…1 min
13What the charge costs youAdd up an ordinary month. The message charge cost you a Thursday evening and a slight cooling towards someone you like. The interruption charge cost you a…2 min
14What it does to themNow the other side of the slip. The colleague who talked over you doesn't know they did. What they know is that since Monday you've been short with them…2 min
15What it does at workWork deserves its own chapter because work is where slips are densest and charges are most expensive. Forty emails a day, half of them terse. Meetings…2 min
16What it looks like from their sideThere's a finding that explains why charging feels reasonable while it's happening and stops feeling reasonable the moment you imagine being them.…1 min
17Three causes firstHere's the method, and it's small. When a slip stings and the charge arrives, before you let the charge stand, name three causes for the slip that don't…2 min
18The plain questionMost slips don't matter enough to check. The message will be answered, the roundabout is gone, the email was just an email. The three causes are enough…2 min
19Object to the act, not the motiveSometimes the slip needs more than a question. It needs an objection. The interruptions have to stop. The forgotten date hurt and you want it not to…2 min
20The decisionHere's the rule, and it's one sentence. When someone's clumsy act stings, I name three causes that need no malice before I settle on one that does, and if…2 min
21When it was on purpose, the partner who controls, the repeat offender, family, and when suspicion is everywhereWhen it was on purpose. Sometimes the plain question gets an answer that confirms the charge, or no answer, or a pattern that survives every situation you…2 min
22When you charged them againYou'll do it again. A message will go unanswered, and by Thursday you'll have decided what it meant, and you'll have spent an evening there before you…2 min
23The message, read againIt's Thursday. The message you sent on Tuesday still has two blue ticks and no reply. The sentence arrives. They're not that bothered. And this time…1 min
·NotesThese notes give the sources for the claims in each chapter, and say where I'm giving my own reasoning rather than a finding. Nothing here is medical or…4 min