Weddings, reunions and bad weeks

Some occasions make all this harder, and it's better to know which in advance.

Weddings, reunions and big birthdays show everyone's edited version at full strength. People have dressed for it and have their two-minute summaries ready. You've prepared yours too, which is worth remembering when you're standing in the middle of it. Expect dips, and expect more of them than usual. Name them as they come and don't try to settle anything about your life in the taxi home. Reunions have one thing going for them. By the second hour, someone usually says something true, and the room warms up. You could be the one who says it.

Some news lands on a real wound. If you've been trying for a baby for three years and a friend announces she's pregnant, what you're feeling is grief, and you shouldn't mistake it for a dip or for pettiness. The same goes for a friend's wedding in the year of your divorce. Nothing in this book asks you to talk yourself out of grief. Send a short, kind message, because the friendship matters and her news is good. Then look after yourself in whatever way works, including leaving early. Your loss is real and it needs looking after. It isn't something you scored badly on.

Work is a special case, because rank there has consequences. If a colleague gets the job you applied for, that's a comparison somebody else made, and it affects your pay. Treat it as one you run. Ask what decided it and what would change the answer next time. You're entitled to feel sore for a while. The thing to avoid is sliding from "they chose her for this post" to "I'm behind in life". The first is an event at work, and the second is a dip that's come along with it.

Then there are bad weeks. When you're tired, ill, short of money or have just had a knock, the dips come thicker and the method seems to stop working. That doesn't mean you've failed or misunderstood the book. It's what Wheeler and Miyake's diaries would predict, since low mood sends people looking upwards. Do the small thing. Name the dips, stay off the feeds for a few days and see one person who knows your full version. Don't count how long you'd gone without a bad evening, because the number doesn't mean anything. Pick it up again at the next dip.

Sometimes, though, the comparing is a sign of something that needs more than a method. A review of studies in clinical groups, published in 2020, found that seeing yourself unfavourably against others was strongly associated with depression, and with anxiety too. The studies can't show which comes first, and it may well run both ways. In practice, that means it's worth speaking to a GP if any of these apply.

• You've felt low, hopeless or worthless most of the time for weeks, and everything you see seems to confirm it. The NHS lists continuous low mood, low self-esteem and feeling hopeless among the symptoms of depression.
• You spend a lot of time worrying about a particular part of your appearance, comparing your looks with other people's and checking or avoiding mirrors. Those are among the signs the NHS gives for body dysmorphic disorder. It says the condition can get better with treatment, and it advises seeing a GP.
• Worry about your weight or shape has started to change how you eat, such as eating very little, making yourself sick or exercising too much. Those are among the NHS's signs of an eating disorder, and its advice is to see a GP as soon as you can.
• You've had thoughts of harming yourself or that people would be better off without you. That needs help the same day. In England, call NHS 111, ask your GP surgery for an urgent appointment, or call 999 if you're in immediate danger.

In England you can also refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP first. If you take prescribed medication, keep taking it and raise any changes with your doctor.

Needing that kind of help says nothing about how well you read this book. When the mood is doing the comparing, the mood is the thing to treat.