The first two sentences

The hardest part of a difficult conversation is the first ten seconds. People who dread these conversations usually aren't short of things to say. What they lack is a way to begin. So the most useful preparation is also the smallest. Write your first two sentences in advance, and learn them.

The first sentence says what you've noticed. The second says what you'd like. Here's how to build each.

What you've noticed. Make it one thing. Make it specific and recent, and describe it the way a camera would have recorded it. "For the last few months you've been out cycling every Saturday until about two, and I've had the kids on my own." Sam can't really dispute that, because it's simply what's been happening. Compare "you're never here", which he can dispute at once and will.

To get there you have to choose. If the thing has been waiting a long time, you'll have a list, and everything on it will want to come. Leave the list at home. Pick the one item that would make the most difference if it changed, and raise only that. The other items will either turn out not to matter once the main one is dealt with, or they can have their own conversation another week. A conversation about one thing can succeed. A conversation about six things can't, because the other person doesn't know which one to answer.

Add how it affects you, stated as your own experience. "I'm finding it hard, and I've started to feel resentful, which I don't want." Shane Rogers, Jill Howieson and Casey Neame tested opening statements for conflict conversations. They asked people to rate how defensive each would make them. Statements framed around "I" were rated as less hostile than those framed around "you". The best rated of all were those that also showed some understanding of the other person's position. This was a study of ratings of hypothetical statements and not of real conversations. It agrees with common sense, though. "You're selfish" is an accusation about their character, and they'll fight it. "I'm struggling" is a report about you, and there isn't much in it for them to fight.

What you'd like. People often leave this half out. A complaint with no request leaves the other person with nothing to do except feel bad or defend themselves. If you make a request, there's something they can say yes to. "I'd like us to work out a way for me to get some time too. Could you do alternate Saturdays, or could I have Sunday mornings?" Make it concrete and possible. It should concern the future and not the past, since they can't change April.

If you don't know what you want, which is common, then say that. "I don't know what the answer is, but I'd like us to find one together." That's a request too, and a good one.

If the thing has waited a long time, add one more sentence at the start and own the delay. "I should have raised this months ago, and that's on me." It answers "Why didn't you say?" before it's asked, and it means you've taken some of the blame yourself before asking them to take any. It costs you nothing, since it's true.

Then there's the setting. As chapter 4 suggested, book the conversation and don't spring it. Choose somewhere private where you can both sit. Some people find it easier side by side, on a walk or in the car, where you don't have to look at each other. It's best if neither of you is hungry, drunk or exhausted. Allow half an hour, and don't start if one of you has to leave in ten minutes.

So the whole opening, for Sam, might be this. "Thanks for making time. I should have raised this months ago, and that's on me. For the last few months you've been cycling every Saturday until about two and I've had the kids on my own, and I'm finding it hard. I'd like us to work out a way for me to get some time as well."

That takes about twenty seconds. Write yours out, and say it aloud a few times on your own, until the words are familiar in your mouth. It will feel stilted, but when the moment comes and your heart is going, you'll be glad to have sentences that know their own way out. After those sentences you won't need a script, because you'll be in a conversation.