After the first two sentences

You've said your two sentences. What happens next isn't in your control, but it's more predictable than you'd think, and a few things make it go better.

Stop talking. Having said the hard thing, you'll want to keep going. You'll want to explain and justify and soften it, and add examples. Resist that. Say the two sentences and then let there be a silence. The other person needs a moment to take in what they've heard. If you fill the gap, you'll usually fill it with items from the list.

Expect the first reaction, and wait for the second. Most people, told something unwelcome, respond first with some form of defence. "That's not fair." "You never said." "What about your Thursdays?" That first reaction comes from surprise and hurt, and it isn't usually their considered view. Your rehearsals stopped here and took this for the answer. If you can let it go by without striking back, a second reaction generally follows within a few minutes, and it's the one that matters. "I hadn't realised. I suppose it has been every week." The whole skill of this part is not to fight the first reaction. You can acknowledge it. "I know, I should have said sooner." Then wait.

Listen to their side, which you haven't heard. For all your rehearsing, you know only half of this. Sam may tell you that the cycling is the one thing keeping him steady through a bad year at work. He may say he thought you liked having the house to yourselves, or that he's been feeling shut out at home and the club is where he feels welcome. You may not agree with any of it. It's still information you lacked, and some of it may change what you want. Ask questions, and ask because you want the answers. "What does the club give you?" "What did you think I felt about it?" The better you understand his side, the better the arrangement you'll reach.

Stay on the one thing. At some point the conversation will try to widen. They'll raise something about you, or you'll be tempted to bring in the second item on your list. If what they raise is fair, say so, and offer to come back to it. "That's fair, and I'd like to talk about it. Can we finish Saturdays first?" If you feel yourself reaching for the list, don't. One thing settled is worth more than six things aired.

Look for one next step. A complete solution is too much to ask of half an hour. "Let's try alternate Saturdays for a month and see" is a good outcome. It's small and specific, and it has a review date. If the conversation ends with both of you knowing what happens next, it has worked, even if the next step is modest.

End it. When you have a next step, or when you've both said what you have to say, stop. Thank them. "Thanks for hearing that. I feel better for having said it." Then do something ordinary together, such as putting the kettle on or watching something. People often spoil a good conversation by going round it a second and third time. It doesn't all have to be resolved tonight.

Sometimes it goes badly in spite of everything. They may get angry and stay angry, or walk out, or refuse to discuss it. Here's what to do.

If the temperature is rising and neither of you is listening, call a pause. "I don't want this to turn into a row. Can we stop and come back to it tomorrow evening?" Give the pause an end date, since that's what makes it different from walking away. And do come back to it.

If they need time, give it. Some people can't think on the spot and do their real responding a day or two later. A conversation that seemed to fail on Thursday sometimes produces a changed arrangement by Sunday with no further discussion. It's worth waiting a few days before judging the result.

If they flatly refuse to engage, you've still gained something. You've said it. They know, the question of whether they know is closed, and you're no longer holding it on your own. You've also learned something important about how this person deals with difficulty, which you needed to know. What you do with that is a separate decision, and at least you'll be making it on real information and not on rehearsals.

Whatever happens, a conversation that went badly isn't proof that you shouldn't have spoken. The blow-up would have gone worse. Overall and McNulty's review, which I mentioned in chapter 7, concluded that direct communication works best when the problem is serious and the other person is able to change. It can backfire when the other person is too insecure or defensive to respond. You can't always know in advance which kind of person you're talking to. With most people in most relationships, you're talking to someone who'd rather know.