Before you start

This is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. There's something you need to say to someone, and you haven't said it. It might be to your partner, a friend, a parent, a colleague or the person you share a flat with. You've known for weeks or months that the conversation is coming. You've had it in your head many times. You're waiting for the right moment, and the right moment hasn't arrived.

I'm going to argue three things. The first is that waiting makes sense from the inside. It feels kind, it keeps the day pleasant, and reluctance to deliver unwelcome news is one of the steadier findings in the study of how people talk to each other. The second is that waiting doesn't leave the conversation where it was. The subject grows while you wait, and so does your feeling about it, and the conversation you finally have is worse than the one you were avoiding. It's often at a bad time and in a bad tone, and it's about ten things where it might have been about one. The third is practical. You name the thing in one sentence, choose a time within the week, write your first two sentences in advance, and say them. Chapters 12 to 14 cover how.

Nothing in this book asks you to become blunt, to say everything you think, or to pick fights. Most of what annoys us about other people isn't worth a conversation, and chapter 3 gives a test for what is. Nothing here asks you to have it out with someone you've sensibly decided to see less of.

Three cautions.

This book assumes that the person you need to talk to is safe to talk to. If you're holding back because you're afraid of what they'll do, that isn't the habit I'm describing, and the advice here could be wrong for you. The NHS page on domestic abuse asks two questions that are worth reading slowly. Have you ever felt afraid of your partner? Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what they might do? If the answer to either is yes, the freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline is open day and night on 0808 2000 247, and chapter 15 says more.

Some conversations need more than a book. If the subject is separation, a serious problem at work, or anything with legal consequences, get proper advice alongside anything you read here.

And if the thing you've been carrying is affecting your sleep and your mood badly, and has been for weeks, that's worth mentioning to a GP whatever you decide about the conversation.

If you read the first few chapters and find you're ready, don't wait for the end of the book. Chapter 12 can be read on its own. The notes at the back give my sources and their limits. Where I'm giving my own reasoning and not a finding, I'll say so.