Bosses, parents and people who frighten you

The method is simple. Some situations aren't, and I should be plain about them.

When they have power over you. Raising something with a boss carries risks that raising it with a friend doesn't. The interviews in chapter 2 found that fear of being labelled was the commonest reason for silence at work, and sometimes that fear is well founded. The method still applies, with adjustments. Be even more specific and even more focused on the future. Frame it around the work. "I'd like to talk about how the on-call rota is being shared out. I've done five of the last eight weekends, and I'd like to get to something more even." Acas, the workplace advice service, says that when an employee has a problem at work it's usually a good idea to raise it informally first, and that an employer should respond even when it's raised that way. If the informal route fails, or the matter is serious, there are formal routes, and Acas and your union, if you have one, can advise. Keep a note of what you raised and when.

When you have the power. If you manage people, the conversation you're putting off is probably about someone's performance or behaviour. Everything in chapter 7 applies with extra force. The person can't fix what they haven't been told, and the longer you wait, the more likely it ends in a formal process that feels to them like an ambush. Tell them early and specifically, and tell them in private.

Parents. Conversations with parents carry decades of habit. You may find you're forty-five and still can't tell your mother that you won't be coming for the whole of Christmas. Lower your ambition for the outcome and keep your request small and concrete. You probably won't change how your father is. You can tell him that you'd like him to stop commenting on your weight, and that you'll change the subject when he does. With parents it's often enough to have said it once, clearly, and then to act consistently.

Someone who explodes. Some people respond to any criticism with rage. If you know this from experience and not from rehearsal, plan for it. Choose a setting where you can leave. Say your two sentences. If the explosion comes, don't argue with it. "I can see you're angry. I'll leave it there for now, and I'd like to come back to it when we're both calmer." Then go. You've said it, which was the task. If explosions are the rule, and you find yourself arranging your life to avoid setting them off, read the next paragraph.

If you're afraid of them. I said in the preface that this book assumes the other person is safe to talk to. If you're holding back because you fear being hurt, threatened or punished, or because you've learned that speaking up gets you hurt, that isn't avoidance. Staying quiet may be how you've kept yourself safe. A book about speaking up is the wrong tool for that. The NHS lists being afraid of your partner, and changing your behaviour because you're afraid of what they might do, among the signs of an abusive relationship. The freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline is open day and night on 0808 2000 247, and the NHS page on domestic abuse lists other services, including for men. They can help you think about what's safe. Please talk to them before you try anything in this book with that person.

When the answer is no. Sometimes you'll say it well and they'll hear you and decline. Sam might say that Saturdays matter too much to him to give up. Then you have a real disagreement, and it's out in the open, which is better than a hidden one. You can negotiate, look for something else that would meet your need, get help from a counsellor, or decide what you're prepared to live with. None of those was available while the thing was unsaid.

When it's too late for the early version. If the blow-up has already happened, go back. Wait a day, then book a conversation in the ordinary way. "I'm sorry for how that came out on Sunday. The way I said it was wrong, but there's a real thing underneath, and I'd like to talk about it properly. Could we sit down on Thursday?" Apologise for the way you said it and keep hold of what you were saying. Then use your two sentences as if for the first time.

When the person is no longer there. Some unsaid things are for people who've died or gone out of reach. This book's method can't help with those, and I won't pretend it can. Some people find it helps to write the letter anyway, or to say it to someone who knew them. If it's weighing on you heavily, it's a good thing to take to a counsellor. In England you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP first.

Weeks you can't do it. There'll be times when you book nothing, the old reasons seem sound again, and a month goes by. It happens to everyone who tries to change a long habit, and it doesn't undo what you've learned. When you notice, do the smallest version. Write the thing in one sentence and send the message asking for a time. That takes two minutes, and once a time is agreed, the conversation will happen.