"I just need to get it off my chest"

By Thursday, in the first example, the story of Monday had been told five times. There's also the phone call to your sister that lasts ninety minutes and ends where it began. And there's the three in the morning version, where you go through the whole scene again and this time you say the perfect thing.

The belief behind all of this is that telling lets the pressure out. Feelings are supposed to build up like steam, and talking opens a valve. There's some truth in it. Telling someone what happened, and being believed, is worth a great deal. A wrong that nobody has ever acknowledged is harder to live with than one that somebody has. I'd never tell you to keep it to yourself.

The evidence doesn't support the steam idea, though. In a 2002 experiment, Brad Bushman made students angry and then had some of them hit a punchbag while thinking about the person who'd angered them. They ended up angrier and more aggressive than students who simply sat quietly. In 2024 Sophie Kjærvik and Bushman reviewed 154 studies of ways to manage anger. Activities that fire the body up, venting among them, didn't reduce anger. Activities that calm the body down did.

Going over things does no better than letting off steam. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema spent much of her career studying rumination, which means dwelling again and again on how bad you feel and why. Her 2008 review with two colleagues concluded that it deepens low mood and makes thinking more negative. It also makes people worse at solving problems and less likely to act, and it wears out the people supporting them.

There's even a name for doing it in company. Amanda Rose studied what she called co-rumination in 608 children and teenagers. Friends who went over their problems together at length had closer friendships, and they also had more symptoms of depression and anxiety. A follow-up six months later found that for girls the habit predicted both of those results. These were young people filling in questionnaires, so be careful with it. It does match something many adults will recognise. A friendship built on shared complaint is warm, and you often come away from an evening of it feeling worse.

So why does the tenth telling still feel like relief? Each telling pays out a little of what chapter 2 described. You get some sympathy, and another look at yourself as the decent one. There's also something less obvious. Telling the story feels like doing something about it. You come off the phone tired, as if you'd put in work. It gives you the feeling of activity, and no move gets made.

One test separates useful talking from replaying. Ask whether this round produced anything new. It might be a new way of seeing what happened, or a decision, or a request you're going to make. If the tenth telling matches the second, it's a replay.

Here's what I'd suggest in its place. Tell it properly, once, to someone who listens well. Or write it down. Joanne Frattaroli pooled 146 experiments in which people wrote about upsetting experiences, and found a benefit on average, though a small one. Small is about right. Getting it out has some value, and you can collect that value in one or two goes.

After that, give your complaints an address. A complaint with an address goes to someone who can do something about it, and it comes with a request. "I'd like to understand why I wasn't considered, and what I'd need to show next time" has an address. The same feelings told to the person at the next desk don't.

It also helps to bring your usual listener in. You might say, "Next time I start on this, ask me what I'm going to do about it." Most listeners will be glad to have something to say.

As for three in the morning, you can't stop a thought arriving. When it does, ask whether there's anything new in it. If there isn't, name it to yourself as a replay, and turn your attention to something physical, such as your breathing or the weight of the blanket. It will come back, and you can do the same again.

Please don't swing from all this into silence. The choice isn't between airing a grievance and bottling it up. You can take it to the person who can do something about it.