Notes
This book gives general information. It isn't medical, psychological or legal advice, and it's no substitute for a doctor, therapist or solicitor who knows your situation.
I've kept sources out of the chapters so they read easily. Here they are by chapter, with the limits I'm aware of. Where a chapter isn't listed, it rests on my own reasoning. That includes the split between the grievance and handing over, the five payments and five costs in chapter 2, the difference between holding to account and carrying in chapter 5, and the account of identity and grief in chapter 10.
Chapter 3. Brickman, Rabinowitz, Karuza, Coates, Cohn and Kidder, "Models of helping and coping", American Psychologist 37, 1982, pages 368 to 384. It's a theoretical paper. The authors call their preferred combination the compensatory model, and they say people in it need power more than they need motivation or treatment. Janoff-Bulman, "Characterological versus behavioral self-blame: inquiries into depression and rape", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 37, 1979, pages 1798 to 1809. The depression study compared depressed and non-depressed female students at one point in time, so it can't show which came first.
Chapter 4. The original work is Seligman and Maier, "Failure to escape traumatic shock", Journal of Experimental Psychology 74, 1967, pages 1 to 9. The revision is Maier and Seligman, "Learned helplessness at fifty: insights from neuroscience", Psychological Review 123, 2016, pages 349 to 367. Most of the brain evidence comes from rats, and the authors themselves describe the application to depression in people as speculation. My step from it to grievances is a further stretch. Abramson, Seligman and Teasdale, "Learned helplessness in humans: critique and reformulation", Journal of Abnormal Psychology 87, 1978, pages 49 to 74. Their theory also included a third feature, which is blaming yourself as opposed to circumstances. I've left it out of the chapter because the reader of this book is usually blaming someone else. I've used only the parts about explanations that are permanent and that cover everything.
Chapter 5. Luchies, Finkel, McNulty and Kumashiro, "The doormat effect: when forgiving erodes self-respect and self-concept clarity", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 98, 2010, pages 734 to 749. Two of the four studies were experiments and two followed people over time. Wade, Hoyt, Kidwell and Worthington, "Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82, 2014, pages 154 to 170. It covered 54 studies and about 2,300 participants. The effect on forgiveness was moderate. The comparison that showed less depression and anxiety was with people who received no treatment at all, which is an easy comparison to win. The suggestion that writing a record weakens the urge to rehearse is my own.
Chapter 6. Bushman, "Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame?", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 28, 2002, pages 724 to 731. Kjærvik and Bushman, "A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal", Clinical Psychology Review 109, 2024, covering 154 studies and 10,189 participants. Nolen-Hoeksema, Wisco and Lyubomirsky, "Rethinking rumination", Perspectives on Psychological Science 3, 2008, pages 400 to 424. Most of that work concerns rumination about low mood, and I've extended it to going over a grievance. Rose, "Co-rumination in the friendships of girls and boys", Child Development 73, 2002, pages 1830 to 1843. The follow-up is Rose, Carlson and Waller, Developmental Psychology 43, 2007, pages 1019 to 1031. For boys in the follow-up, co-rumination predicted closer friendships and didn't predict more symptoms. Frattaroli, "Experimental disclosure and its moderators: a meta-analysis", Psychological Bulletin 132, 2006, pages 823 to 865. The average effect across 146 studies was a correlation of .075, which is small by any standard.
Chapters 7, 8 and 10. Gabay, Hameiri, Rubel-Lifschitz and Nadler, "The tendency for interpersonal victimhood: the personality construct and its consequences", Personality and Individual Differences 165, 2020, article 110134. The study of unclear situations had 202 participants and a correlation of about .3. The lawyer study had 113 and a correlation of about .2 with blaming the senior partner. A further study of 181 people used a money-sharing game, and higher scorers took more from a partner who'd treated them unfairly, though that result sat right on the conventional line for statistical significance. The authors point out that their participants grew up in a society with a strong collective memory of persecution, and that results may differ elsewhere. They also say that this outlook can develop in someone who has never suffered severe trauma, and that being traumatised is a different thing from having it. I'd add that a questionnaire score is a description of a tendency and says nothing about whether any particular complaint is justified.
Chapter 8. Zitek, Jordan, Monin and Leach, "Victim entitlement to behave selfishly", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 98, 2010, pages 245 to 255. Three experiments with students. The favour in the first was helping the experimenter with an extra task.
Chapter 9. Davidai and Gilovich, "The headwinds/tailwinds asymmetry: an availability bias in assessments of barriers and blessings", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 111, 2016, pages 835 to 851. The seven studies show that people attend more to barriers than to benefits. They don't show that any particular person's sense of having had a hard start is mistaken.
Chapter 11. Plans in "when, then" form: Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119, covering 94 tests with a medium to large effect. The seven-part method is mine and hasn't been tested as a package by anyone.
Chapter 12. The guidance on post-traumatic stress follows the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, guideline NG116, "Post-traumatic stress disorder", 2018. It recommends trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy for adults whose symptoms have lasted more than a month. It's written for England, and services differ elsewhere.
One thing I left out on purpose. Many books on this subject use a model called the drama triangle, with its roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor. It comes from a 1968 article by the psychiatrist Stephen Karpman and it's widely taught. I couldn't find research testing it that I'd be happy to rest an argument on, so I haven't used it.