"It's all right for some"

Not every grievance has a person at the other end. A colleague your age has just bought a house, with family help that you never had. Someone from school has the career you wanted, and you remember that her father knew people. You scroll past a holiday photo and think, "it's all right for some". There's nobody to complain to here. The complaint is about how things were handed out in the first place.

It's a true complaint. Starting points differ enormously, and nobody earns theirs. Family money, health, the country and decade you were born in, whether anyone read to you as a child, and a surname that gets you an interview are all given out before you've done a thing. Anyone who tells you we all have the same twenty-four hours hasn't been paying attention. I won't argue that the sharing out was fair.

There is some research on how we count our luck, though, and it's uncomfortable for all of us. In 2016 Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich reported seven studies showing that people notice their barriers far more than their advantages. The reason isn't vanity. A barrier has to be dealt with, so it holds your attention. An advantage can be enjoyed without your ever thinking about it.

Their image was a cyclist. You feel a headwind every second it blows. When the road turns and the wind is behind you, you notice for a minute, and after that you just feel that you're riding well.

Some of their findings were almost funny. American Democrats and Republicans each believed the electoral system was tilted against their own side. In another study, people tended to think their parents had been harder on them than on their brothers and sisters, and the brothers and sisters didn't agree. In the last study, the people most aware of their own headwinds were also more willing to approve of cutting ethical corners, which fits with the previous chapter.

This cuts two ways. Your own count of your luck is probably tilted, with your obstacles counted in full and your advantages hardly counted at all. That isn't because you're self-pitying. Everyone's count is tilted the same way. Your count of other people's luck is tilted in the opposite direction. You see their results and their advantages. You don't see their obstacles, because those are dealt with in private. The colleague with the house may have a parent with dementia or a marriage in trouble. You don't know, and you can't really compare.

You might object that even an honest count won't come out equal. No, it won't. Some people have had it far easier than you, and an honest count will confirm that. So take the three piles from chapter 4. The start you were given belongs in the first pile, with everything else that has already happened, and it's probably the largest single item there. The other two piles are where they were. An unfair start changes which moves are open to you and what each one costs. The moves that remain are still yours to make.

Resenting lucky people has a practical cost that's easy to miss. The people who've done what you'd like to do are your best source of information on how it's done. Many of them will tell you honestly which advantages they had, and some will know the routes used by people who didn't have them. Resentment keeps you from asking.

The phrase also works as a reason not to try. If the results are decided in advance, there's no point trying, and you're spared the risk of trying and failing. That's the second payment from chapter 2 again.

If your real complaint is with how a society shares things out, that complaint has an address too. You can vote, join, organise, give or campaign. Those are moves, and they'll do more good than bitterness towards individuals who happened to benefit.

Try two lists. First write five headwinds in your life, which you'll manage quickly. Then write five tailwinds, which will take longer. They might include a relative who took you in, a teacher who noticed you, decent health, a language you speak, free schooling, or a friend who once lent you money. I'm not asking you to feel grateful. The point is to make your count more accurate.

Then pick one person you've envied and ask them one question about how they did it.