Friends, parents and the people you work for

I've written mostly about partners, because that's where the habit is strongest. It operates wherever you expect to be understood.

With friends, it often looks like this. You're going through something hard, such as a redundancy, a parent's illness or a break-up. A good friend knows about it and doesn't ring. You're hurt, and you conclude the friendship isn't what you thought. From their side, they may be unsure whether you want to talk or be left in peace. They may be waiting for a sign from you, or assuming you've got closer people to lean on.

Meanwhile you're both silent, each waiting for the other to make a move. "I'm having a rough time and I'd really like to see you" is a hard sentence to write and a very easy one to receive. I think most people would be glad to get it.

With parents and grown-up children, the expectation often runs in both directions. You feel your mother should know, without being told, that remarks about your weight aren't welcome. She feels you should know, without being told, that she'd like to be rung more often. Each of you is waiting, slightly wounded, for the other to realise. Families go on like this for decades.

A sentence would usually settle it. "Mum, I'd like you not to comment on my weight. It upsets me." It may need saying more than once, since a habit that old doesn't change after one telling. But until it's been said plainly at least once, she can't be blamed for not knowing.

At work the habit is expensive. You work hard, stay late and take on the difficult client, and you wait for it to be recognised. The promotion goes to someone who asked for it. It feels unjust, and in one sense it is. But your manager has eight people to think about, and their own manager, and their own worries. They've taken your silence to mean you're content. It's common, in my observation, for a manager to have had no idea that someone wanted to move up, or wanted a different kind of project, or was unhappy with the hours. If what you want at work hasn't been stated, your manager doesn't know about it.

I'd add one more case, which is the people who serve you. Doctors, hairdressers, builders and teachers all do better work for people who say what they want. "I'd like it shorter than last time." "I'd rather you explained the options than chose for me." If you tell them, they have a chance to get it right.

In each of these, the argument of the earlier chapters applies without change. They can't see how you feel, and your hints don't get through. Having known you for years doesn't help them. And telling them doesn't make whatever they then do for you worth less.