Asking them, too

Everything so far has been about getting your needs across. The habit also works the other way. If you've been expecting to be read, you've probably also been trying to read, and chapter 8 gave reasons to doubt how well that works. The other person has needs you've never heard about, for the same reasons they've never heard about yours.

So the second half of the change is to stop guessing and ask. Eyal, Steffel and Epley's twenty-five experiments came down to that. Trying harder to imagine what the other person wants doesn't make you more accurate. Asking them does.

The most useful question I know has five words. "What would help right now?" It works when your partner comes home grey in the face, or when a friend rings in tears, or your teenager slams a door. It doesn't assume you know. It gives them chapter 15's task, and if they don't know either, you can offer the list. "Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather I just took the kids out for an hour?"

People worry that asking looks inattentive, as if a good partner would simply know. That's the same belief this book has spent twelve chapters on, seen from the other side. Most people who are asked what would help take it as a sign of care.

It also helps to make asking routine, so that it doesn't only happen in a crisis. Some couples set aside ten minutes a week for it, and I think it's a good practice, though I've no study to cite. On a Sunday evening, each person answers two questions. What's coming up this week that you're worried about? Is there anything you'd like from me? It feels stilted the first couple of times. But it means that needs get stated at a calm moment, before they've turned into grievances, and nobody has to pluck up courage to raise them.

Here's the suggestion I promised in chapter 9, for people who miss unprompted kindnesses. It's to tell each other what you like. You're not asking for it at that moment. You're just letting them know, for future use. "I love it when you bring me tea in bed." "It means a lot when you text me before a big meeting." Most people have never said these things aloud, so their partners are working from guesses that are years out of date. Once the other person knows, they can do them unprompted. You get the surprise you wanted, and it's one that suits you, because you told them what would.

Asking and telling don't make a relationship less romantic or a friendship less natural. They're how the two of you come to know the things that, after a few years, look from outside like being able to read each other.