Forgetting, refusals and times you can't find the words

When you've asked plainly and they forget. Forgetting isn't refusing. Someone who's agreed to take the bins out and doesn't, twice, may need a reminder or a system. They may need the consequences left to fall on them. Ask once more, plainly, and ask what would help them remember. If something has been asked for clearly three or four times and still doesn't happen, you're no longer dealing with a failure to read your mind. You're dealing with unwillingness, and that needs a direct conversation about the pattern itself.

When they say no. A plain ask has to allow for it. A no to bedtime tonight isn't a no to you. Ask whether there's a version they could do. If the answer to most of what you ask is no, month after month, that's important information that the habit was hiding from you. It may be a matter for counselling. Relate is the best-known relationship counselling service in the UK.

When they say "you should just tell me" and then react badly when you do. Some people invite plain speaking and then bristle at it. Point this out calmly and at another time. "When I told you on Tuesday that I needed help, you got cross. That makes it hard to tell you things." If stating a need reliably brings anger, contempt or punishment, go back to the first caution in this book.

When you can't find the words. Grief, shock, exhaustion and illness can leave you unable to work out what you need, let alone say it. The holding sentence is for those times. It's also worth arranging something beforehand, when you're well. "When I go very quiet, it usually means I need you to sit with me and not ask questions." Then you don't have to say it on the day, because they already know.

When speaking up wasn't safe where you grew up. If you learned as a child that stating a need brought ridicule or anger, the habit protected you then, and it will take more than a book to unlearn. Be patient with yourself. Begin with low-stakes requests to safe people. A counsellor can help, and in England you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies.

When the other person reads signals less readily than most. People differ a good deal in how much they pick up from tone and expression. Some notice very little of it. That isn't a lack of care, and no amount of signalling will change it. With someone like this, plain asks make more difference than they do with anyone else. They're often a relief to the other person as well, who may have spent years knowing they were missing something.

When it's your children. Children and teenagers can't read your mind either, and if anything they're worse at it than adults. A parent who silently does everything, and then erupts because nobody helps, is setting the same test. "I'd like you to lay the table every evening without being asked twice" is a plain ask. In my observation children often respond well to requests like that. They also learn from them how to make requests of their own.

When it's a special occasion. Birthdays and anniversaries are when the test is set most often. Tell them what you'd like. You might say, "I'd love a proper fuss this year, a meal out and a card," or, "Please don't organise anything, I'd like a quiet day." If presents matter to you, say so, and consider giving a short list. Chapter 8's gift registry study suggests they'll be tempted to ignore it, so tell them you mean it.

When it's about sex. The same principle holds, and the stakes and the embarrassment are higher. Partners can't guess what you like any better in bed than they can anywhere else. One plain sentence, said kindly and at a moment that isn't the middle of things, is worth years of hoping.

When you slip. You'll say "fine" and close a cupboard hard. When you notice, even hours later, go back. "I said I was fine earlier, and I wasn't. I've had a rotten day and I'd like a hug." You can nearly always go back, and doing so helps to undo the habit for both of you.