They can't read your mindConfidence

unbry

They can't read your mind

A short book about expecting the people close to you to know what you need without being told

22 chapters11,738 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. You need something from someone close to you. It might be help…2 min
1Sunday, ten to eightIt's ten to eight on a Sunday evening. You're wiping down the kitchen worktops, harder than they need. It's been a bad week. There was the business with…3 min
2Why saying nothing seems sensibleI don't want to start by telling you to communicate better. You've heard that, and it misses what's at stake. The wish to be understood without speaking…2 min
3"If they loved me, they'd know"This sentence is the centre of the habit, and you may never have said it aloud. It connects two things. One is how much someone cares about you. The other…2 min
4"It's obvious how I feel"On Sunday you felt as though your state was written all over you. You were quiet at lunch. Your shoulders were up. Your "fine" had an edge on it that you…2 min
5"I did tell them"Sometimes you feel you did say it. On Friday you mentioned what a week it had been. On Saturday you said you were shattered. On Sunday morning you…3 min
6"After all these years, they should know me"A new partner might be forgiven for not knowing. But this is someone who's shared your bed, your bank account and your bad habits for a decade or more.…2 min
7"Other people's partners just know"You've seen it at dinner parties. Your friend reaches for her glass and her husband has already filled it. He starts a sentence and she finishes it. She…2 min
8"I always know what they need"Part of the grievance is a comparison. You notice when they're down. You remember their mother's birthday. You can tell when work is getting to them, and…2 min
9"If I have to ask, it doesn't count"I think this belief holds all the others in place. Suppose you accept everything so far. They can't see how you feel, hints don't land, and years together…2 min
10"I don't want to be needy"For many people this is the real obstacle. You'd rather go without than be the sort of person who's always wanting something. You may have known someone…2 min
11"I shouldn't have to ask for that"There's a version of this objection that deserves more respect than the others, and it usually comes up around housework and children. You're not…2 min
12What happens when they fail the testSunday evening followed a course you could have predicted. There was the need, then the signals, then the missed signals, and then the verdict. After that…2 min
13Friends, parents and the people you work forI've written mostly about partners, because that's where the habit is strongest. It operates wherever you expect to be understood. With friends, it often…2 min
14What the habit costsYou may think of the habit as costing the odd bad evening. I think it costs a good deal more. Most of this chapter is my own reckoning, and I'll say where…2 min
15Working out what you needBefore you can tell someone what you need, you have to know it yourself, and often you don't. On Sunday, if your partner had sat down and said, "Right…2 min
16The plain askThis chapter is about the sentence. The guidance is mine, built on the research in earlier chapters. It hasn't been tested as a set. Say what you'd like…3 min
17Asking them, tooEverything so far has been about getting your needs across. The habit also works the other way. If you've been expecting to be read, you've probably also…2 min
18The decisionThis chapter asks you to decide something. It comes late because at the start it would have sounded like the advice you've always been given, to just say…3 min
19Forgetting, refusals and times you can't find the wordsWhen you've asked plainly and they forget. Forgetting isn't refusing. Someone who's agreed to take the bins out and doesn't, twice, may need a reminder or…3 min
20Sunday againIt's ten to eight on a Sunday evening, some months later. It's been another bad week. There was a row with your sister on Wednesday, and you've a…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information about ordinary relationships. It isn't counselling, and it's no substitute for a therapist who knows you or for…5 min