Working out what you need

Before you can tell someone what you need, you have to know it yourself, and often you don't. On Sunday, if your partner had sat down and said, "Right, what would help?", you might have had no answer ready. You knew you felt bad, and you knew you wanted them to do something. You hadn't worked out what that something was. Part of the hope behind the test is that the other person will work it out for you.

That's a lot to ask. They'd have to read a need that you haven't yet read yourself. So the first step is a private one, and it takes about a minute. The scheme below is mine.

Stop and ask yourself what would actually help in the next few hours. It helps to run through the kinds of thing people generally want when they're low, because the need is usually one of a small number.

You may want to be listened to. You want to tell someone about Tuesday's meeting and have them say, "That sounds awful." You don't want advice on handling your manager.

You may want practical help. You want something taken off your hands, such as the bedtime, the cooking or the phone call to the garage.

You may want company. You don't necessarily want to talk. You want someone in the room, on the sofa, watching something undemanding with you.

You may want to be left alone for a while, without it being taken as a sulk.

You may want affection, in the form of a hug or a hand on your shoulder.

You may want advice. Sometimes you really do want someone else's view on what to do.

And you may want acknowledgement. You want them to know that you've been carrying a lot, and to say so.

These are different, and a response that's perfect for one is wrong for another. If you want listening and get advice, you feel unheard. If you want to be alone and get company, you feel crowded. This is why guessing fails so often, even for an attentive partner. They aren't short of care. They had seven possible answers to pick from, and you gave them nothing to go on.

Once you've named the kind, make it specific. "Practical help" becomes "bedtime tonight", and "listening" becomes "twenty minutes after the kids are down, and please don't try to fix it."

Sometimes you'll run through the list and still not know. That's worth saying too. "I'm out of sorts and I don't know what I need yet. It's not about you. Can I have half an hour and then maybe a chat?" Compare what that gives the other person with what "Fine" gives them. It tells them you're not fine, and that they're not the cause. It says what you need now and what you might need later.

Do this for a few weeks and you'll probably find your needs fall into a pattern, and knowing the pattern makes the next step quicker.