You were waiting to talkEveryday life

unbry

You were waiting to talk

A short book about half-listening while you prepare your reply, and wondering why people stop telling you things

18 chapters12,157 wordsAbout 55 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. Someone is talking to you, and a few sentences in you've worked…2 min
1Sunday, ten past sixIt's ten past six on a Sunday and your daughter has rung, as she does most weeks. Hannah is twenty-four and lives in Leeds. You're in the kitchen with the…3 min
2Why the reply starts earlyIf you've recognised yourself in that kitchen, you may be feeling that you're self-centred, or a bad parent or friend. I don't think so, and the first…2 min
3"I can do both at once"The natural defence of drafting is that it costs nothing. You're perfectly capable of holding a reply in mind while following what someone's saying.…3 min
4"They can't tell"You might think that even if you do drift, no harm's done, because the other person doesn't notice. You nod and say "mm" in the right places and keep your…3 min
5"I know where this is going"Part of what sets the reply going so early is recognition. Three sentences in, you've placed what you're hearing. It's a flatmate problem, or a difficult…2 min
6"I'm only trying to help"Of all the replies that form early, advice is the commonest and the hardest to give up, because its motive is so plainly good. Someone you care about has…3 min
7"I'm showing that I understand"The second commonest early reply is the matching story. They tell you about their flatmate and you tell them about Gareth. If they mention a bad back, you…3 min
8"A silence would be awkward"One reason the reply has to be ready is so that it can be delivered the instant the other person stops. It rarely gets examined, but the fear underneath…2 min
9"I need to get my point in"So far the examples have been friendly ones. Drafting is at its most intense when you disagree. Your partner is explaining why they think you should both…3 min
10What half-listening costs youThe next chapter is about what your drafting costs other people. This one is about what it costs you. It's the less obvious bill, and most of this chapter…3 min
11What it costs themIt's easy to think of listening as a courtesy, pleasant to receive and harmless to go without. The research suggests it does more than that. How you…4 min
12"But then what do I say?"Here's the fear that makes all of this hard to act on. Suppose you stop drafting and listen to the very end with nothing prepared. They finish and look at…3 min
13Listening to the endThis chapter puts the method together. It has four parts, and they follow the sequence of a single turn in a conversation. Notice the reply arriving. You…4 min
14The decisionThis chapter asks you to decide something. It comes late because at the start it would have sounded like "be a better listener", which everyone has been…3 min
15Monologues, meetings and other hard casesThe method is simple. Some situations aren't, and I should be plain about them. People who never stop. Some people talk in long unbroken stretches, and…4 min
16Sunday againHere's a scene from some months later. It's an example of how things might go, and I'm not promising it. It's a Sunday, a little after six, and Hannah has…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information. It isn't counselling or medical advice, and it's no substitute for a professional who knows your situation. NHS…4 min

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