The decision

This chapter asks you to decide something. It comes late because at the start it would have sounded like "be a better listener", which everyone has been told and nobody knows how to act on. By now you've seen that some drafting is built into conversation, and that the excess costs you the last sentence, which is usually the important one. You've seen that people register the effect even when they can't see the cause, and that you won't be left with nothing to say. So here's the decision.

I listen to the end, take a beat, and make my first response about what they just said.

Here's what it involves.

Notice and put down. When the reply arrives, register it and let it go, as many times as it takes. One word on a pad if you must.

The beat. Wait one or two seconds after they stop, every time, and treat it as part of listening.

First response about them. Use a follow-up, a reflection or an acknowledgement. Your advice, story or disagreement comes second or later.

Ask before advising. "Do you want ideas, or do you mainly want to talk it through?"

Start with one conversation a day. Don't try to do this everywhere at once. It takes effort at first, and you'll tire. Choose one conversation each day, preferably with someone who matters to you, and do it properly in that one. Let it spread from there.

Put the phone away for it. You can't listen to the end while glancing at a screen. For the conversation you've chosen, the phone is face down or in another room.

Plans of the "when this, then that" kind make a decision like this much more likely to survive the speed of real conversation. Peter Gollwitzer and Paschal Sheeran pooled 94 tests of such plans and found that they made people a good deal more likely to follow through. Here are three, which you can adapt.

When I feel the click of knowing what to say, then I'll think "later" and go back to their words.

When they stop talking, then I'll breathe in before I speak.

When I'm about to say "you should" or "that happened to me", then I'll ask a question about what they just said first.

The first plan turns the old habit round. The click used to be your signal to start watching for a gap. From now on it's your signal to go back to their words. The third does the same for the two commonest openings of a drafted reply.

Here's what to expect, and I'll be careful, because I can't promise you an outcome. In the first week you'll catch the reply late, often after you've delivered it. That's progress, since before you didn't catch it at all. The beat will feel long and exposed. You'll have moments of blankness, and they'll pass in a second. Within a few weeks the noticing gets earlier and the beat gets comfortable. Conversations may get longer. I'd expect people to start adding things after you thought they'd finished. I'd also expect you to be surprised more often by what people say, which is a sign that you're hearing things you used to miss.

Over some months, I'd expect people to tell you more. It won't be dramatic or immediate. People who've learned over years that telling you things doesn't quite work will take a while to learn otherwise. I can't promise that any particular person will open up, since that's theirs to decide. Much sooner than that, you'll notice that you know more about the people around you and enjoy their company more, because they've become more interesting to you.